It's that time again!

Tomorrow, the twenty-second of September, I turn twenty-three. I can only say one thing about it... I feel old! I know, I know I'm far from being old. I am only twenty-three for god's sake. Still, with the recent happenings of my life I am beginning to feel less like a carefree "kid" and more like an adult. I suppose this is what psychologists call "emerging adulthood" (that period in your life where you 18-25 or so). I'll fill you all in on why I am feeling the sudden impact of "age;"

1. Bills
Yes, I now have bills. I have my cell phone bill, my rent, my food, my support money for a child (not my own, but I got you there huh?) and such. So, it doesn't sound like a lot (and in reality it isn't) but budgeting is a new thing for me. Ah yes, I am behind on a vast majority of people in the bill paying world and I have no right or reason to complain. Still, it makes me feel bad every time I spend money on something that I don't "need."

2. Car
So to add to my financial matters, I have been seriously looking into getting a car. I have a fairly limited amount I can spend relegating me to buying P.O.S. model cars. In fact, I am going to check out a potential this evening. We will see if it's as good as it seems. I'm feeling a little nervous about it, not a good sign. Anyway, car will be money, insurance will be money and by default I will be eating a lot of bread and water.

3. Job
I've had lots of jobs before, many more stressful and more of a permanent potential thing. Still, working and being in school is a bit of a juggle. The only complaint I have about working in a library is that the work can be (ok, is) monotonous, very quiet and can lead to boredom. It is quiet, easy, and low stress, which I can take some boredom for that. Also, specific complaint about my current job is working Sunday afternoons. Yep, no football, only Saturday off and if you've never been in a University library on a Sunday afternoon... well go and imagine working there. Still though, the money will be nice and responsibility isn't bad.

4. Graduation
Yes, I am getting close, whether it be a year from now, or a year and half I am getting close to being done. With my sights so far on getting certified to teach high school (and hopefully getting to do so in an inner city) I find my self thinking less about the dreams of my younger days (you know, touring the country, playing in a band, being 18 forever...) and thinking more about having a career, having a family (some day, I'm not in a rush to have kids, but someday), a house, where I want to live... all that stuff. It's crazy to me to think about how I am closer now to finishing college than I am to not. I mean, scary thought! Maybe I'll just stay in college for the rest of my life... naw. I'd go nuts if I did that. I don't want to be that 35 year old guy living in a student apartment with a bunch of 20-something guys. No thanks.

With all this said, I don't want to give the impression that it depresses me. On the contrary, I'm excited about it! It is different though.

Oh, quick note... I'm no longer in Marriage of Convenience. This time it's for good. We have parted ways and well, it is what it is. They will continue to play as Marriage of Convenience and I will not be a part of it. There ya go.

So, I think I've rambled enough. I must be going as I am off to check out a car. Peace and love to you all.

Reflections

Today is the third day I have been back from my summer away from Colorado. When I think back upon it, I can't help but be struck by everywhere I went in three months. San Francisco, Seattle, St. Louis... It really is funny to me that I just picked up, left everything here and went off and did that. It wasn't easy.

The first part of the summer I was racked with a sense of fun at being in San Francisco and Seattle but I missed home. I missed Megan, I missed my band, I missed my family... I was without a doubt homesick. There was something else burning inside me. It was the culmination of years and years of cynicism, brought on most succulently by feelings of disappointment in my local church body. Feelings of fakeness and feelings of wanting to leave Christianity and religion behind. Yet, I was getting ready to spend my summer in St. Louis "serving God." Strange place to be, huh? The last week of May I traveled to Minneapolis to do training for my summer working for YouthWorks! The week was exhausting, intense and ended with me taking a full day off to do nothing but pray, think and come to the realization that I really didn't believe in the power of Christ or God anymore. Sure they were far off spiritual entities, but as for being moving, salient, real being that impacted my life... it wasn't there. I was finally honest with myself... I didn't give a shit. Yet, something still lingered, triggered by a friend who said what I needed to hear, even if I fought it with everything in my being. I was given the choice to stay and continue to St. Louis or at my own expense, leave Minneapolis and head back to Colorado. Those of you who know me, know that I continued to St. Louis.

Those first weeks were a blur of 50-75 people coming in and out, me organizing them into work crews, contacting and setting up "ministry sites" at non-profits in north St. Louis, doing skits, giving a morning devotion and feeling like the biggest fake in the whole of the Earth. I remember one day in particular going outside, sitting down while the youth did their devotions and thinking to myself, as I stared blankly... "I can't do this if I'm going to feel like this." It was going to be a long, hard, lonely summer...

Then I noticed something. I noticed that people's lives were being changed. At first, it was nothing more than being excited that two of the youth got the reason we partnered with a site (after I spent a good 15 minutes telling them why, never feeling like it got through). Then they got it. They understood. We were there to help and be the hands and feet to this organization. God began to move in me again, even if I didn't notice. I saw this same reaction from here on out, continued to get worn out, continued to tell all the participants, "no matter how small and insignificant the work, you are doing a great thing. You are loving these people, serving them and loving and serving Christ." As unreal and phony I felt saying these words the first few weeks, I was completely modeling them. I was giving 110% of myself to the participants every week and I didn't know why outside of, "it's my job."

In a fit of cynicism I connected with the words from a song, "God save us from your chosen ones." I felt as if my belief had brought me nothing but pain, inner torment, and confusion. I felt it was fake. So the words of this song spoke to me until the end of the song when the lyrics changed, "You'll be the reason the hopeless celebrate/He takes us from our violent shame." This is what I was seeing, everyday. People coming from all over the country to serve a community destroyed by poverty and darkness. I saw children run up to strangers and hug them for nothing else then the fact that they were to play with them; there to love them. I heard about an 8 year old boy who talked to a girl about his brother being shot and killed the night before, I saw the joy that was etched on a woman who couldn't remember my name when we brought her food and talked and prayed with her. A child ran up to her mom, excited about something she got from one of us, mom answering, "I'm sure they only gave that to you because they feel sorry for you." These children, these people, beaten down by society, beaten down by darkness, painting signs over the interstate saying "End Eminent Domain Abuse," these people who might have never, ever felt unconditional love... and I saw that love expressed. Every week, people were changed. The youth, the adults, the people of St. Louis... myself. It wasn't about me anymore. I wasn't about me and my homesickness, about me and my cynicism, about me and my ideas... it was about the youth, the community of St. Louis, about changing lives, about love, and most importantly... about Christ. Suddenly, the words I spoke in my devotion to the youth every Wed. morning didn't feel so fake. They didn't feel so phony. They were real.

And this is where I rested in the rest of the summer. I have only begun the process of... processing. :P I feel as if, like my staff member Shan said, I feel that my summer in St. Louis is a starting point. To where I am going I am not sure, but I am excited and nervous about it. One thing is sure though, as awesome as the summer was, I am very glad to be home. I will see those of you I haven't seen yet soon.

Summer in the city

I shuffle my feet through the empty halls of a decayed institution of learning. I check the lights and see that I am alone in cold rooms that echo my every word. Every night I hit the floor and fall into sleep as if I were a dead man, only to rise at the coming of the sun to do it all over again...

So, I am now getting ready to begin week five of Youthworks St. Louis. For those of you who don't keep up with what I do, I have been in St. Louis for the past six weeks doing what is known as the Youthworks summer. My job here is simple; to facilitate week long missions trips for high school church groups in St. Louis. We are going into our fifth week of having youth here and I am, as to be expected, exhausted. My days run from about 6 in the morning to 11:30 at night and I'm usually up later than that. My specific job at the site here in STL is known as Urban Staff. This means that I coordinate the volunteer and service work that the high schoolers do for various non-profits in Downtown and north St. Louis. Most of my day is spent going between sites, making sure things are running smoothly and keeping up a good relationship with the non-profits. I also divide up the youth into "crews" every week, splitting up the groups so that they all go somewhere and that they all have different and unique experiences. I actually don't mind most of this and there is a bit of fun in dividing up 70 people every week (gives me a bit of power trip, until I get frustrated when all the churches bring 7 passenger mini-vans).

I have gone through quite the emotional rollercoaster this summer in just being here. From having strong feelings of not wanting to do it at the beginning (to almost quitting) to being lonely and missing home, to where I am now. Still homesick, still wanting to get back to the things I love back at home but at the same time realizing the important work that is being done here. Even though these are mission trips, the main focus of Youthworks is not so much to go a spread the gospel with tracts and hellfire, but to go into communities and make a visible and physical difference in people's lives all for the sake of spreading to message of God's love. Honestly, as cynical of a person I am towards American Christianity, I can't say anything against Youthworks. The organization is doing something to help people and make lives better and that is incredibly commendable. It is my hope and prayer that in the end, my work here will have brought some light into a dark place and that the eight weeks we had youth here will impact St. Louis for the better. So far, it has and I see no reason while it won't continue. From the kids who live in a part of the city that has to have a police officer on site at a park during the day, to the elderly folks who can't clean their basement because of illness and age, to the homeless men who can't get a meal, the youth have been a part of spreading some love to all these people and I have seen and heard stories about how already there is a change in people's lives. Here's a story for you all; there is a park we work at called Dwight Davis. This is the park where we find the police officer there during the day so we will feel protected. A young child came up to one of the youth and said, "Did you hear about the guy who got shot last night." The youth replied, "yea." Then the child said, "That was my brother." There was a pause and then the kid said, "can I just talk to you for a bit. I have some stuff I need to work through." A child under the age of ten shouldn't have to deal with that and it puts a smile on my face when I see how happy and joyful the kids are to have our youth there to just play with and love them.

So, now that I have the tear jerker story out of the way, here are two of the cray things that have happened to me this summer. First week, I broke my pinkie playing basketball with a group from Ohio. I have the splint off now and I hope that it healed alright. Secondly, this past Wednesday I got into a car accident. I was driving out with a group to their "ministry site" for the day and I didn't realize that the bus in front of me had stopped. Well it did and I looked away form the road for a split second and BAM! smashed right into the back of it. Don't worry I am ok, but Wendy (our 98 Ford Windstar mini-van) is no more. The front of the mini-van became a slinky and no it will cost way too much to fix (which means at some point, we get a new mini-van). There have been some other crazy things happen, but I don't want to tell all my stories at once.

It has been a whirlwind summer and I will be ready to return home when it is time. For now, despite the bad weeks and exhaustion and frustration, I am enjoying it. It all makes sense when that one youth finally gets the idea and message across that we are trying to get to them. I haven't had a ton of them, but the few I have make it all worthwhile.

California isn't all warm

I have been in the Bay area of California for the past couple of days and I must say that I am enjoying myself. Leaving Colorado on Friday was difficult, but I got excited as soon as I saw the bay and the Golden Gate bridge. I must preface this blog before I continue; I love my family very much. Now, on with the blog.

Saturday was my cousin Paul's wedding and he got married to someone who seems like a great fit and decent person. I don't know her, but from what the rest of my cousins have said, she's good. So I will believe them. It's been good to see family I haven't seen in probably 15 years. Yes, some of my cousins I haven't seen since they were little. I kind of wish that I would have been able to grow up with them as every time I'm around them, we always get along. There is something about being family that just gives you an instant connection. I like it. My "normal" family on the other hand... well I love them. Suffice it to say, I think this will be my last family vacation for a bit. There comes a point where you really just want to develop your own life. Not break ties, but I want to go travel and be off on my own. Or with my girlfriend. Both sound equally appealing (with the latter shining a little brighter). Anyway, I've come to realize that the idea of sunny warm California only applies to Southern California. Northern California is windy, cool (still sunny) and very beautiful. There are times where I get a good view of the surroundings and I think to pictures of the Mediterranean Sea. I am finding myself falling in severe like with the topography.

My thoughts still fall though with the rest of the summer. I am gone from my home at this point until August 14th and as hard as I try I can not get excited about it. Perhaps when it all happens and I am there, my attitude will change. I hope so, I really do. It's going to be an experience that's for sure. My thoughts haven't changed since my last blog so read below if you want.

This time between 9 and 11 is my only personal time. I need this private time. If for nothing else to de-compress. To spend it how I will. To call up that cute girl living three states away, to think, to walk. To listen to silent (or in this case not so silent) wind. Yes, I quote King's X often. I will now bid adieu as I go to sit outside, look at the black sky, and feel the salt breeze kiss my sense of smell.

Summer

Last week was, rightly so, a week from hell. Little sleep, playing severe catch up (I wrote somewhere around 25-30 pages in a weeks time) and then... preparing to head to St. Louis for the summer. I got a call on Monday morning from an organization called Youthworks. If you want more information (as I don't feel like typing it all out here), go to www.youtworks.com. A phone interview was set up for Tues. morning and as long as it was it went well. So well in fact, they offered me a job on Thursday as a part of their Urban Site staff in St. Louis, MO. I took the position and now, with traveling to San Francisco at the end of this week and then Seattle six days later and after that Minneapolis to train and then finally St. Louis, means that I am gone from Colorado for the entire summer. It's a strange thing to think about being gone for the whole summer. I find myself not as excited about it as I should be. In fact, I'm pretty down about it. While the position with Youthworks will provide me with a job, a chance to serve and help people, and a chance to travel (all things I want to do) I can't quite wrap my head around the idea that I am leaving many things I love for a solid three months. I'm leaving my band, my kitten, a chance to see friends that I only get to see once or twice a year and most importantly, I'm leaving my girlfriend. Some of you may be saying, "Ah, poor you," in as sarcastic of a tone as you can muster and you'd be justified in that. I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime and chances are I may not get this kind of opportunity for awhile. Still, I had come in recent weeks to enjoy my place in life again. I was a little stressed and down for a bit (mostly because of school and the band not going anywhere) but I pulled myself out of it, school is done and the band is going places again (as we are opening for Drowning Pool on Wed. night). While these things were certainly external factors, there was something internal that I could quite get as to why I was in my feeling low state. Still can't, but it was passing and I know a good deal of that was conscious. I was getting excited to look for a job, work, hang out in Greeley (I've spent the past three years traveling from Greeley to Colorado Springs every summer and I was looking forward to staying put for once), and now I have to get myself jazzed up to work with high school and middle school kids. It will be good, I'm sure, but it is strange to me to see how I've changed. A year ago, I would have killed to be in this position. To be going on an adventure and seeing new people and places... it would have been my dream. Perhaps I need to reconnect with that part of me in order to get in the right mindset.

Stability. I find that even when I think I've found stability in something, it isn't there. I'm not going to air any dirty laundry there as the company involved still doesn't know how I feel (and to speak it via blog is heartless disrespectful). I will say this; a year ago I thought I had found my ideal. Now a year later, it comes up painfully short. For those of you wondering, no this is not about my girlfriend. She's still everything awesome that I thought she was when we started dating. Just to clear that up. I guess my life is going to have an air of instability to it for a bit longer. Perhaps this is good. I will be far outside my comfort zone in St. Louis and perhaps it will motivate me to draw closer to God. That is my hope and prayer. I am coming from something of a cynical mindset and while I've never thought that a certain amount of cynicism is bad, it can get stifling. The unknown is where I am headed until August 14th. It is in the unknown and unfamiliar that I am being thrust and for what reason I am not yet sure.

Schism

Schism, n. A breach of the unity of the visible Church;

This word has been bouncing around in my head for a couple days now. It's a word that carries very strong meaning to it. To publicly remove oneself from the church over matters of doctrine has given rise to many a change in the course of Western Christian history. The Orthodox church, The Protestant Reformation and now... the Emergent church. Yes, I am lumping the Emergent church in with the other great schisms of Christianity. Or at least, I am postulating the idea that it could lead to a great schism. I have said for a number of years that there is a great something changing within the American church. Some would refer to this as apostasy rearing its ugly head. These same individuals would tell you that within our lifetime we will see the end of the world and the return of Christ. I am not throwing myself in with that lot. Does this mean I am saying it won't happen? Not at all. What I am saying is that this fixation on the end of the world speaks leaps and bounds about your own personal and theological perception. I have always tried to be an optimist and believer in the idea that a life change in Christ is a positive one. I also feel, due to circumstances in my own life, that our life here on Earth is not some prison that we need to escape from, but should be embraced as a gift from God. How this relates into a view of "being an alien in a foreign land" I see as follows; we are put here on this plane of existence for a reason and whatever that reason may be we should pursue it. Being that I come from a Christian perspective I view this reason as being an agent of change, particularly in telling (through both words and actions) about the restored life one can have in Christ. Salvation is an ongoing process that begins with our realization of our need for a redemptive relationship with Christ and continues through death. The point is not that we have some destination and are simply on hold over but that we are an active agent in the world in which we live and we should live with that mindset. In our temporal minds, 80 years is a long time and if we are here for that long of a time we should enjoy and rejoice in that time. Particularly if we have the restored relationship with the Creator of this life we should rejoice all the more! I may sound like a hypocrite as there have been times, recently even, where I have not practiced what I preach. However, no human is without even the slightest bit of hypocrisy. The old standby, "none of us are perfect" rings very true. The goal is to live to the best you can, but this life can be hard and harsh and unforgiving. Once again, all the more reason to live with the perspective that I am here and here for a reason and that reason is to show to the world the redemptive life I live and they too can live in Christ. It's not about collecting souls. It's about life.

Ok, now onto what I was actually going to talk about. Yes, I chase rabbits very often. We have seen a cultural shift in the American church as of late. This can be due to several factors. The advance of humanism, postmodernism, an increased awareness of culture and religion in other areas of the world... take your pick. The typical party line you will hear towed by Christians is that all these things are bad and have had a hand in taking away our "God" from America. This is a great fallacy as far as I'm concerned. God was never anymore in America than He is anywhere else in the world. Yes, we have a history of Puritanism in the U.S. and that influenced the formation of the nation but it was not the sole or main reason. The main reason was to get out of British colonial rule. Let's not forget, the American Revolution motto was not "A nation built for God!" but "No taxation without representation!" The shift away from a strong Puritan influence (which did not bring about all good... slavery was almost unilaterally supported and in actuality the Amish and Mennonites were the first Christian denominations to speak out against slavery, not the Puritans) in the United States is as I've come to see it a result of the influence of humanistic thought but also the result of globalization. I'll give you that. However, the idea of postmodernism also brought about the emergent church which seeks to be relevant to the current generation who see nothing vital in the traditional values of modernist Christianity. The current generation feels rejected, disconnected and that Christians simply don't care. These are all things I've felt and why I probably fall most closely in theology to the emergent church. However, I do not call myself an emergent. Here is why, I feel it is counter productive. The goal of the emergent movement, as I have seen it, is to reform the church by tearing down the distinctions in traditional Christianity. For an example of this, read Brian McLaren's "A Generous Orthodoxy" where he tries to find the good in the variety of Christian denominations. I commend this and see the value in it. It can also lead to a sort of Christianity that smacks of Universalistic values. The emergent church is a varied, fractured movement at the moment and one that does not have a set sort of values. In essence, there is no postmodern creed. This is one of the reasons why I am not labeling myself an emergent. I feel that if the church is to become one again, to tear down the idea of denominations and become a whole body again, there should be no label other than the one that labels us as followers of Christ. Emergent runs the risk of becoming yet another denomination. It will be a fractured denomination though, one with a few noteworthy leaders who don't always agree with each other. Is this bad? No, but it is troubling. It leaves the idea of lasting impact too far fetched. So, could the emergent church be a schism. Well, it already is. You wouldn't be surprised to find emergents who question the reality of hell, emphasize the humanity of Christ, and draw inspiration from humanistic writers. These are things that "traditional" western Christianity will not tolerate. Hence, a schism has, or is occurring. Is it apostasy? Not quite but it can be dangerous.

My final thought is this. This theological shift that is occurring in Christianity can go to ways. Either it will reform the church and bring thousands to hear the message of the gospel (as is evidenced by Rob Bell's Mars Hill Church) or it will simply fall to the wayside and people will continue to leave the church. Then apostasy may set in. Or you may find the same thing as you've found the past 10-15 years; Christians who still believe and claim a deep faith yet feel no need to attend what has been the model of church for the past several hundred years.

The sound of clarity

Ah Music... you have been my obsession since that tender, innocent age of 15. Over the years, we've had a healthy relationship that has mostly revolved around me gaining insurmountable pleasure from you. If only I could return to that time where I was so excited about every single cd I bought. Where listening to KILO resulted in me hearing some cool new band. When Mudvayne were a "new" band. I can still remember going to Best Buy to buy L.D. 50 and seeing the odd, pharmacy meets humanity cover. Seeing the faces of the four band members painted, looking demonic and alien and just too damn cool.

Tonight I have been brought to a night wherein I should be catching up on all my homework (I have several papers to start and/or finish) and while I've done some of that (while also registering) I find myself wanting to do nothing more than sit in my room, draped in my wornwaytoomuchandheldontotoolong hoodie and engage in an act of intimacy with the auditory equivalent of perfection. Some thoughts at the moment; Mudvayne were at one point an incredible band. Since the release of L.D. 50 back in 2000 the band have regressed into an above average radio metal band. However, the band at one point tackled complex topics such as the idea of drugs and hallucinogens and how they have impacted human evolution. Nothing that complex anymore. Now we have "Are you feeling happy?" I suppose it's the natural consequence of being in the music business and achieving a slight bit of success. There is a need to repeat that, or fall by the wayside. Same story. Band X gets obscure radio hit despite being uncharacteristic of radio music, label gets greedy, band likes more support from label, pressure to repeat success, band does not, gets dropped, repeat add nausea. I still feel somewhat cheated. Like I've lost something. Something that was so exciting and fresh and new and now... not.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some bands utterly surprise me with their renewed level of awareness and dedication to creating art. Machine Head have long been one of my favorite bands and their new album, "The Blackening," shows just what can happen when a band loses its head to the pressures of potential radio success only to come back, fully in love with the idea of creating music for music's sake. It's an album that flows, is aggressive, beautiful, haunting and challenging from a musical standpoint. After my first spin of the album, I felt that same excitement from when I first discovering the world of metal and music. It lit a fire under my ass and made pick up my guitar and start to write riffs. Same thing when I discovered the Psalters over the summer. Moments of Zen. Moments that I crave. Moments that motivates me to go and play that next show. Moments I would love someday to give back to others.

For now, I'll continue to engulf myself in the Zen that is sonic violence. Music, music, I hear music. Music over my... head...

Mountains, federal aid and Donald Miller

It's a shame really, there aren't too many great rock bands around anymore. I mean, sure there are bands out there now that have been around for some time, but when was the last time that a really great, straight forward, meat and potatoes rock band came out? Especially one that wasn't aping the sound of a myriad of better bands that came before them. Well, I suppose I'll have to be content with Alice in Chains for the moment (not that that will be hard).

The first portion of this past week I went with my girlfriend and another friend of ours (both of whose blogs are linked to the right) to a cabin in the shadow of Mt. Elbert. It was a good two days of relaxation away from technology, school, the band, and all the other craziness that seems to be my life. I noticed something though in trying to get away from the city and "society;" even in a fairly remote cabin in the mountains, there is still a highway. There is still electricity. There is still a plastic garbage bag underneath the "waterwheel" outside the cabin to prevent rotting. Is any of this bad? Of course not. Like I said, the two days there were a much needed break and escape and I feel much more refreshed. Even in escape though, modern society and all it's amenities are still there. It makes me think about the idea of globalization. Here we are, in a society that is linked with the rest of the world through technology living in a time and age where the world has very few hidden places (if any). The Age of Exploration I imagine was a time where the world seemed endless. Now the world has an end. I have a feeling that if I lived in that time and knew then what the fruits of my endeavors would be, I would probably shit my pants. There are no more blank spaces on the map. The whole planet has been Terra formed to our will, to our advances in science and technology. There is no real true escape into nature as anywhere you go you are bound to find modern civilization just on the border. This is not necessarily bad, it simply is. However, have we lost something in being the creators of our world? We have taken this creation and reshaped it into our will. Landscaping is to an extent the ultimate example of man being the creator of the world. Man being god. A stretch? Perhaps, but you all should be used to that.

Federal aid for going to school is a strange thing. Sometimes I feel like the government is simply saying, "ohhhh, poor thing. Your family doesn't make near enough money to support itself. Well instead of giving your dad a job so he can pay for school and food, we'll just give you a bunch of money and leave your family to fend for themselves." Sad state of affairs in my opinion.

Blue Like Jazz; I've heard people say that this book changed their life and their way of thinking. I don't count myself among those people, but I will say this; Donald Miller and I share a lot of the same observations and feelings on Christianity. I still find myself saying "Hell yea! Preach it brother!" at times while I am reading it. I came across a book in Borders yesterday called Revolution by George Barna and in the book Barna talks about the changing face of the American church. I would like to read his insights and I have a feeling that he would be very positive and optimistic about it. There is a change going on in the church in America and I can't decide if it's for the good, the bad, or if it will last. That is another blog for another day.

Metal up your ass!

So I read an interesting article this morning. Read it for yourself below;

Clicky, clicky.

Now, my first reaction to this was, "Hell Yeah!" I've been an avid metal listener since I was 15 and I still enjoy and love the music as much as I did back then. Being that I've always had good grades in school (not always fantastic, but good and great... great and good.) and the social perception that kids who listen to metal are mental peons and "bad seeds" has always bugged me. Anyone who knows me knows that neither of those labels fit to well. It's not that I'm trying to be egotistical, I'm simply stating what others have observed about me. While this article validates a truth that I've long known (you can be a genius and listen to metal) the article itself really only purports that this is a possibility and not a general fact. While still cool, I think the real quality in the article is in it's unintended explanation of why people listen to metal (in general); that it is music of the social outcast.

I do not consider myself that much of a socially awkward person, though at one time I was. When I first got into the music, I was a large glasses wearing, showering three times a week, bonafide home school nerd. I still am that same nerd, I just don't look or act it anymore. I was the socially self conscious, awkward kid. I was not (nor am I still) that violent or angry of a person. Yet something about the themes of alienation, the loud aggressive playing, it all rang true to me. It was also the first thing that I got into that other people would consider "cool" without it being "nerd cool." Anime, that's nerd cool. Science fiction, that's nerd cool. Reading and writing, nerd cool. Listening to metal and playing bass, that's just cool. I still wouldn't consider myself a "cool" person but the thing that listening to metal did most for me, it heightened my sense of individuality. While I now had something in common with certain people in my school, I began to have nothing in common with people at my church. While they were all about Third Day and whatever flavor of the week "worship" band was around at that time, I was proselytizing the gospel of Zao, Sevendust, Metallica, Refused, Machine Head, King's X, Soulfly, Tool... you get the idea. Yet it felt like, even though almost no one in my group of people who "believed the same as I did" listened to it, it gave me an individual identity. It helped me to start to think about why I liked this stuff and other people didn't. I may not be explaining it well, but the point is simple; metal and heavy music in general helped me to think for myself, but to also express my individual thoughts and to be fine with not fitting in. And then there is the sense of family and community that is felt at metal shows. Where else can you have an hour long conversation with someone you'd probably never be friends with outside of that setting yet because you both listen to metal you automatically have something in common and are "BFFs" for that moment. A shared belief if you will. You know what's sad? I've almost never felt the same about my faith in Christ and my interactions with most of his "followers." What does that say about the state of American "Christianity." Hmmm... a little cynicism from my earlier days. Perhaps.

What is my point in writing all this? To try and defend metal and the music I listen to? No. If you don't get metal, there's a good chance you may never get it. Even if you understand the reasons one listens to it, there is still the harshness of the music itself. Some people can't get past that. Others love it. I suppose my point in writing this blog was to critique an adequately done newspaper article that became a "testimony" of sorts. I don't know where I'm going with this half assed blog so... go listen to some Opeth and raise your IQ a little.

...

Today, being the 13th of March, is the day in which I walked out of class. I have no good reason other than the fact that as I sat there I had no earthly desire to be there. No one was talking, the woman proctoring the review had no clue what to talk about (thus being no help at all)and I could have counted all the people in there on one hand. So I left. I picked up my stuff and walked out.

Now that my story is done... I'm finding myself in this weird headspace again. The same headspace that I was in on Sunday, which is not the best during mid-terms. I keep finding myself coming back to the thoughts of what a friend did after being in school for two years. She quit and went and did foreign missions for something like... three years? Sounds right. I don't know if I'm cut out for foreign missions (actually, I'm sure I'm not) but picking up and traveling... I could do that. Hmmmm... writing calms me. Writing my thoughts out makes me fall back into that place known as perspective. I need a break. I need a break from school, the band, and Colorado. It won't happen, I know. Still... that desire is there.

Visual DNA

I'm only posting this because it seems to fit fairly well...

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Honesty...

So here it is, almost time to set the clocks forward an hour. Yep, DST is coming early this year. So that means that it's... 2:45 in the morning? Something like that. I am up late because I honestly can not make sense of things right now. I came down on Friday from Greeley to Colorado Springs for a few gigs (one of which I have played) and while the show was really good (one of the best yet) it is the past day of Sat. that is sticking in my mind. In my failed attempt to finish the novel Graceland by Chris Abani, I wound up reading some of the most disturbing and shocking chapters yet. It's a book that will take by surprise with it's bluntness in tackling "taboo" topics. It seemed to be a portent however for the emotional and raw conversations that I would have the rest of the evening. Neither conversation will be repeated for sake of respect to the individuals involved, but even the gore bath that is the movie 300 seemed to fit with the emotional nature of today. The movie being a capstone to the metaphorical flesh tearing that ensued only hours before.

It makes me think about honesty. So often is this the thing we desire, yet fear the most in our relationships. The type of vulnerability that comes with being honest is hard to come by; you never know if the individual whom you are bearing your soul too will wipe the blood from the gaping scars or leave you prostrate on the floor. Forgive the grime imagery; visual violence of the gratuitous type that has been seen by my eyes tonight sticks with me. While scary, this honesty is worth it. Cauterization can not be achieved with out first pinpointing the gash and thus the healing begins. It's painful, scary, and downright uncomfortable yet incredibly beautiful when found in this place of forgiveness, vulnerability, servitude, and most importantly love. "Love is patient, love is kind..." sticks out like a neon sign. Love. Love for the one afflicted. Love for the one giving healing. Love for oneself. Forgiveness for oneself. Forgiveness for the wounded. Love and forgiveness, two things that I would be nothing without. My only prayer is that I can live up to even a simple iota of the ultimate example of this, even though I never will. Rambling thoughts. Thank you and goodnight.

I will have my coup d'etat!

I will start a riot! I will hold a burning flag in my hand!


Oh man, nothing like some Refused to get my blood pumping and my revolutionary spirit going. Totally unrelated, but here's the newest cult!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/16/miami.preacher/index.html

seriously though, this is slightly frightening. These kinds of people scare. For whom they are, what they think (of themselves and their followers) and the potential that they hold in themselves. Heaven's Gate anyone?

Today is Ash Wednesday and my first time participating in Lent. I have decided to celebrate Lent in two ways.

First, I am abstaining from meat for the period of Lent. I am doing this more for the traditional aspect instead of anything "moral" (i.e. vegetarianism, though I'd be lying if I said that I still didn't have thoughts of going veg). I feel that I want to do this in an attempt to understand the history of the church a little more. I've realized that I am incredibly ignorant about the history of the Christian (and Jewish) church. I feel that in exploring both of these aspects, I can gain a better and deeper understanding of my faith. Part of this may involve participating in things that are considered traditional which is odd to me since I've been so breaking from tradition in my mindset for so long.

Second way that I am fasting is that I will no longer spend my mornings before class on the internet. Instead it will be devoted to prayer, meditation, reading. This might be more of an adjustment than the dietary things, but we'll see.

I am hoping to get something a little more in depth up here soon, I'm just not sure what. For now, a little update on my life will do. Peace and love to you all.

Eight a.m., Wed. morn'

I haven't posted a blog on here in a bit and as such I've decided that it is time. I don't think this will be anything really revolutionary or political/social as my previous ones have been. This is going to be one of those "update" blogs with not much to update.

This morning I am what some would refer to as "sick." Yes, I have that dreaded cold. I usually get about two a year, one of them really bad. I'm hoping this will be the last one that I get until the end of the year. It has however given me a chance to sit here and type out my blog (as I'd normally be sleeping at this time of morning). I think the thing that I hate the most about colds; they slow me down. I lead a hectic, chaotic life and this cold is going to slow that down. Perhaps I need the rest, we'll see.

What is next in my chaotic life is as follows; Relay for life. Relay is a part of the American Cancer Society and it is one of the primary means of fundraising. I have to things that I have to do regarding Relay this year and both of them this week. I'm sure I'll be better by then (as I'm not as bad as I was last night) but it's going to be a hectic weekend. This brings to my mind an interesting thought; am I too hectic?

Think about it. How many of us lead lives that are so busy we don't have time to sit and relax? My girlfriend recently commented that she hasn't even had time to sit down and listen to music and that it was sad that she is so busy she can't even do that. I have a feeling that this is my life and certainly was before the winter break came (since I base my sense of extended periods of time on school). Shall I make the jump to commenting on how our society is too busy to sit back and enjoy life? No, I think you could have figured that out without me. Does it mean I'll change? Probably not. Nice thought though.

I need to play a show soon here. Another month until the next scheduled one. Perhaps I am being taught the fine art of patience as of now. It's a good lesson for me to learn over and over. Be patient, be kind, and slow to anger. Hmmmmm... I'll have to remember those. Enough random blog! Peace and love to you all.