We regret to inform you...

Since graduating from my undergraduate university in 2008, I have had a really, really difficult time finding a job that doesn't rhyme with "me fail." For the most part, this hasn't been too bad. It's allowed me the freedom to explore other options in my life, like playing music and for now, going to grad school. All that said, the few times I have attempted to find something beyond the doldrums of capitalist insanity, it has been met with a very chilling and retching phrase; "we regret to inform you." This characteristic phrase of any big job rejection letter carries with it the feeling of, "we're sorry you will be disappointed in our decision, but well, that's the one we made." That phrase cuts like a knife. I can now chock another job up on that heap.

No, it wasn't anything really amazing, but it did relate directly to what I have been planning as my future career path. Which is why this one stings so much. Honestly, if I don't start racking up some experience in this area, I can pretty much relegate myself to the hell of big box corporate centers and as a self styled anarcho/communist. Which pretty much makes me die inside. I'm really starting to wonder if I'm even on the right path, which itself is a total contradiction to how I actually feel about the future (news flash; it's open ended and not predestined). I suppose I should be thankful for what I've got but... well... I just can't seem to get there.

Maybe this is simply God putting me through the metaphorical fire. You know, burning away any sense of pride so that I can be positioned in the right place to do something really great. Or maybe it's just the fucked up system we live in whereby the most selfish and best competitors win out, regardless of the cost on anyone else. Lovely.

All my pathetic ranting aside, I really am wondering what to do next. Aside from completing my degree, because I have put too much time and effort into it to not, I really don't know. I'm losing my drive to be a career academic (at least in English). The whole system is too competitive right now and with the dwindling economy, it's only bound to get worse. Some may see this as the cream of crop rising to the top, but sometimes the top is only there because they stepped on everyone else in the process.

I'm just bitter and grumpy though. Eventually, something has to turn out for good, right?

Please sir, I'd like another.

This blog may come down to being little more than an excuse to complain, but I really dislike my job. Actually, let me rephrase that; I really dislike aspects of my job. I work in retail and a particularly odd kind of retail. On any given day I will find myself selling cigars, brewing coffee, making lattes, baking bread, stocking books/magazines, making sandwiches... you get the point. It's not any of the specific work that gets me down. All lines of work have the tedious aspect that is required to keep said business/employer/whatever going. It's also (most of the time) not the customers that bother me. Rather, it's the realization (or continuous realization) that retail doesn't care about you. As an employee, you are easily replaceable. This element of capitalism is necessary to it's survival; money has no feelings and values so should we expect those invested in the pursuit of such to have any? This is not a diatribe against gaining comfortable living means or buying fun stuff, it is simply a reality of the situation.

I was looking at some customers in line while I was working on something the other day and this thought came into my head; I grew up hearing that everyone was special and, especially coming from a Christian upbringing, that there was something significant and special I can and am meant to do. God had a plan for me, and my gifts and talents could allow me to become anything I wanted. Looking at the people standing in line, I realized how fleeting that sort of thinking is. I imagined all the customers waiting for me working jobs fairly similar to mine. Low pay, long hours, lots of physically demanding work (in one capacity or another) and I imagined them hearing the same things I heard growing up. Then I imagined them feeling beaten down in some fashion because they realized that only 1 out of a couple million ever get a book published. Only a select few see the art, music, karate, whatever classes they take as children turn into something when they get older. We all have to "settle" at some point. This is what I imagined the people in line feeling, because this is what I feel.

With all this said, I don't want to leave on a hopeless note. While the reality of our society and economic model encourages complacency and settling, there is one thing that we have not had taken from us yet. I may make coffee for a living instead of being a famous writer or missionary or something to look up to, but I do have my thoughts. I have my freedom to express my views and this is not limited to a constitutional model. It is inherit in my being as a reasoning human. I can look at a line of people who only want me to make a sandwich for them so they can get back to their lame, shitty job in half an hour and realize how much it says about society. How much it says about myself. Realize that I can express those thoughts via blog on the internet and if that right were taken from me I can still express it on paper, to a loved one, to any one who will listen. So, as I stare another day in face, another day filled with sandwiches, espresso, books and impatient employers and customers, I know that I'm not defeated if I have "settled" for a pedestrian job, because I can think and speak freely and am actively aware of that. It might make all the difference.