We regret to inform you...

Since graduating from my undergraduate university in 2008, I have had a really, really difficult time finding a job that doesn't rhyme with "me fail." For the most part, this hasn't been too bad. It's allowed me the freedom to explore other options in my life, like playing music and for now, going to grad school. All that said, the few times I have attempted to find something beyond the doldrums of capitalist insanity, it has been met with a very chilling and retching phrase; "we regret to inform you." This characteristic phrase of any big job rejection letter carries with it the feeling of, "we're sorry you will be disappointed in our decision, but well, that's the one we made." That phrase cuts like a knife. I can now chock another job up on that heap.

No, it wasn't anything really amazing, but it did relate directly to what I have been planning as my future career path. Which is why this one stings so much. Honestly, if I don't start racking up some experience in this area, I can pretty much relegate myself to the hell of big box corporate centers and as a self styled anarcho/communist. Which pretty much makes me die inside. I'm really starting to wonder if I'm even on the right path, which itself is a total contradiction to how I actually feel about the future (news flash; it's open ended and not predestined). I suppose I should be thankful for what I've got but... well... I just can't seem to get there.

Maybe this is simply God putting me through the metaphorical fire. You know, burning away any sense of pride so that I can be positioned in the right place to do something really great. Or maybe it's just the fucked up system we live in whereby the most selfish and best competitors win out, regardless of the cost on anyone else. Lovely.

All my pathetic ranting aside, I really am wondering what to do next. Aside from completing my degree, because I have put too much time and effort into it to not, I really don't know. I'm losing my drive to be a career academic (at least in English). The whole system is too competitive right now and with the dwindling economy, it's only bound to get worse. Some may see this as the cream of crop rising to the top, but sometimes the top is only there because they stepped on everyone else in the process.

I'm just bitter and grumpy though. Eventually, something has to turn out for good, right?

Regarding death... again.

There was a period of time, a few years ago, when I had several people in my life (family members and acquaintances) who all passed away within two years of each other. It was pretty rough to get through and made me re-examine a lot of my previously held assumptions on life, death and what happens after that. While I don't want to get too much into it, I will say that the idea of eternal conscious torture awaiting someone who fell prey to some hellish disease didn't exactly jive well. Recently, with the publication of a certain book, a lot of other people have become privy to these sorts of thoughts.

But, that's not what this blog is about.

Within the past week, there have been two people die that had some form of close relationship with someone I knew. These were both unexpected deaths and one of them can really only be described as horrendous. Obviously, it brings back into view questions of God, the afterlife, etc. etc. One thing that I am finding more than those as I very selfishly think on this* is the response from the people left behind; especially those on the periphery. The individuals who did not interact with those who have passed away except briefly. People's reactions who weren't of close association usually fall in the "that's so sad" category but then it is swept aside. It makes no impact and there is something telling there. I don't want to get to down on people, though. If you never knew someone and they weren't an essential part of your life, it is hard to drum up the same feelings you'd have if a family member passed away. It's just a strange reaction and more telling of how our corporate society deals with death, than any individual's idea.

And then there is Amy Winehouse. I was never too aware of her music and only knew of her controversy second hand. That said, I find no satisfaction or joy in making jokes on her death. Whether she was a victim of her own addictions and failings or the natural course of life, she was still an individual as any of the rest of us. As I am staring at my 27th birthday pretty soon, it's a little more close to home, in some sense. In regards to how our culture deals with death, the judgment on her has already been passed. "Amy Deadhouse" jokes and anything regarding her "getting her comeuppance" only highlight the insular experience death is for those left behind. It highlights the sheer lack of communal mourning that would occur in smaller societies. Mostly though, it exposes that not one of us are good 100% of the time and we all have a long ways to go, myself included.

If there is one thing I learned and am completely reminded of in this, it's that life is going to pass all too quick and if you really want to honor those who have passed, you should live your life to it's fullest.

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* I am aware that writing a blog post about me thinking, somewhat intellectually, on a person's death can be very selfish and borderline disrespectful. I hope this comes across as neither.