Vegan update

Well, it's been a little more than a week of trying to be vegan. First off, I've been hungry. Really hungry. Getting enough foodstuffs is a problem for a college student, let alone a vegan one. But, I did alright. Raisin Bran is a good source and there are these really good vegan frozen waffles. They are called "Vans'" and you can find in the frozen "naturals" section of most supermarkets.

Second, I "graduated" college yesterday! Woo hoo! I still have a couple classes for the summer, but for all intents and purposes, I'm DONE! My g/f threw me this huge party yesterday, lots of friends and family and tons of food. Problem is, none of it was vegan. So, in order to keep things easy and not complicated, we recanted on our month long vegan-ism yesterday. Yes, I ate cheese, cake, and snack mix with cheese. Later, my body decided to yell at me after playing a gig, forcefully stating just why I can't splurge on something I've cut out of my diet. So, if any of you were going to chastise me for not sticking to it for a straight month, and rightly so you would be, let it be known my body told just how stupid I was.

The cake was flippin' incredible though. And all the other food. I'll have a graduation blog later, as it was kind of a trip.

In case you are wondering if I am going to keep with the vegan thing for the rest of the month, I think that I am. I haven't decided totally yet, but I think I will be.

Grrl Powered Cock Rock!!

I took this Anthropology class which discussed the implications that art has on globalization and how art has and is an expression of an individual's culture from their own viewpoint. Basically, the whole issue of globalization is seen as a negative, however through the medium of art, which is constantly crossing international boundaries, there is a positive take on globalization. There is a crossing over of genres and new ideas being added to old sounds. Exciting stuff really. This blog however is not about that. No, this blog in fact is about feminism and rock music. One of the girls in my class gave a presentation where she exposed the class to, as she deemed them, "girl cover bands of cock rock bands." I know what you are thinking; "some chicks out there are doing their own version of Ratt, Poison, WASP, etc." See, when I hear "cock rock" that's what I think of. Overly masculine, horrible 80's power metal bands. Perhaps I'm mistaken in that definition. If I am, please correct me.

The cover bands she featured were "Lez Zeppelin," "AcDshe," "Kisses (female Kiss cover band)," and "Iron Maidens." For the most part, these bands sound like cover bands. They play the songs decently well, don't sound terribly original, and overall have bad vocals. Still the implication that these bands are taking what is perceived as a hyper masculinized form of rock music and making it their own is an indication of female empowerment (mind you, this was still the presenters assertion). I would like to disagree with this.

First off, I will admit that it isn't a huge stretch to reach the conclusion she made. However, my first problem is that these bands are not doing anything new. A cover band is meant as one thing; to pay tribute to a band that you enjoy to listen to. To regurgitate someone else's artistic accomplishments and then say that what's being done is new and empowering, is recursive. There is little ground made by a group of women covering "Number of the Beast" in a smoke filled bar in Southern California. Sure the idea is neat, and the whole "taking back the phallic symbol" of the guitar does have some implications, but really it's not going to advance the state of equality and feminism. These tribute bands come across as more of a shtick than anything else and I think most people would view it as such.

Second, the idea of simply doing something that's been done before lends little credibility to someone as an artist. These women could very well try and create music of their own, something that allows them to say what's on their minds. This in and of itself could be a source of motivation and empowerment for younger women who see these original female groups. The idea of, "I want to do what she's doing." The young woman would then go home, learn an instrument, and start the process of creating something new. With the right mindset, the lyrics and the music could be a vessel for change, much as rock music has been in it's short history. A cover band does little to nothing to advance these goals.

Third, focusing on these types of bands as the source of empowerment does not give credit to the real force of change going on in the metal community; female fronted metal bands. If you are even remotely familiar with the heavy weights of the metal scene at the moment, you know that Arch Enemy are huge. Arch Enemy are fronted by none other than Angela Gossow. Otep (not Opeth) are also a female fronted metal band who have gained a fair amount of popularity. Both of these bands feature aggressive vocals (of the "cookie monster" variety), places that have been dominated exclusively by males. The fact is, these women (along with many others) have taken the most unintelligible, aggressive and what would typically be thought of as "masculine" vocals and done them extremely well. Sometimes better than most guys. If you want to talk about women taking over something that has been seen as masculine and domineering, talk about this. Not only are these women creating something of their own, but they are also placing themselves in the position of authority (the singer) and doing it in a hyper masculine form (death metal style vocals).

There is still a breach though. There are very few female guitarists out there. Very few female drummers. There seem to be a disproportionate number of female bassists though. Also, while Gossow and Otep have talked about empowering young women by being on stage, the majority of the metal fan is still male and still only sees "the hot singer." While this in itself is nothing new to rock (there has always been the "hot singer" in rock, male or female) there are still more "hot" sentiments towards the women. This is a chasm that the rock/metal community may never pass.

I've only touched on the surface of a very complex issue here. Mostly, it's me reacting and raving. However, I think I've got something here. I would suggest going and looking up some female fronted metal bands. There are some good ones out there. I'll even give you a short list too. Look at me, all nice and shit. :P

Arch Enemy
Otep
Straight Line Stich
In This Moment
Nightwhish
Within Temptation

And there are more. Those are simply the ones I can pull off the top of my head.

Mayday! Mayday!

Alright, so my month long poetry-a-thon Didn't pan out as planned. However, I'm still going to try something here. First off, many of you know that I am a vegetarian. Well, I've decided for the month of May that I am going to attempt to go full fledged Vegan. Mostly, I'm doing it to try and get myself out of some bad eating and spending habits. So, it's kind of like a fast. Starting tomorrow and up until the 31st I will not consume a single animal byproduct. No cheese, no milk, no ice cream, no chocolate... I must be crazy. :P I do however think this will be a good thing for me though, get me back to eating better and not spending my money on Taco Bell or Qudoba.

With this though, I would like to extend an invitation for anyone who is interested to go vegan (or at least vegetarian) with me. If you've ever wondered what it would be like to go veg, or felt a pull to do it recently, this could be your place to start. Hey, I freakin' started because of Lent, so it's not that strange.

I'll be using this blog as a kind of weekly, maybe semi-daily journal to record my progress, my feelings, and other such reality-TV esque variables. So, come and watch me give up that last bastion of dietary normalcy! It'll be a fun ride!

Sad Day...


Goodbye... it's been fun...


Here! Fun link!

You know, just in case you need a reason to go veg. :D

Fearful Women

Arms and the girl I sing - O rare
arms that are braceleted and white and bare

arms that were lovely Helen's, in whose name
Greek slaughtered Trojan. Helen was to blame.

Scape-nanny call her; wars for turf
and profit don't sound glamorous enough.

Mythologize your women! None escape.
Europe was named from an act of bestial rape:

Eponymous girl on bull-back, he intent
on scattering sperm across a continent.

Old Zeus refused to take the rap.
It's not his name in big print on the map.

But let's go back to the beginning
when sinners didn't know that they were sinning.

He, one rib short: she lived to rue it
when Adam said to God, "She made me do it."

Eve learned that learning was a dangerous thing
for her: no end of trouble would it bring.

An educated woman is a danger.
Lock up your mate! Keep a submissive stranger

like Darby's Joan, content with church and Kinder,
not like that sainted Joan, burnt to a cinder.

Whether we wield a scepter or a mop
It's clear you fear that we may get on top.

And if we do -I say it without animus-
It's not from you we learned to be magnanimous.

-Carolyn Kizer

February in Sydney

Dexter Gordon’s tenor sax
Plays “April in Paris”
Inside my head all the way back
On the bus from Double Bay.
Round Midnight, the 50s.
Cool cobblestone streets
Resound footsteps of Bebop
Musicians with whiskey-laced voices
From a boundless dream in French.
Bud, Prez, Webster and The Hawk,
Their names run together riffs.
Painful gods jive talk through
Bloodstained reds and shiny brass
Where music is an anesthetic.
Unreadable faces from the human void
Float like torn pages across the bus
Windows. An old anger drips into my throat,
& I try thinking something good,
Letting the precious bad
Settle to the salty bottom.
Another scene keeps repeating itself;
I emerge from the dark theatre,
Passing a woman who grabs her red purse
& hugs it to her like a heart attack.
Tremolo. Dexter comes back to rest
Behind my eyelids. A lonliness
Lingers like a silver needle
Under my black skin,
As I try to feel how it is
To scream for help through a horn.

-Dexter Gordon

A plethora of poetry!

Since I forgot to post the past few days, you all get four poems today! Neat huh?

My Husband Is a Sniper

And the fat kid likes cake.
We live in the sewer stewing over
melted flesh and our right
to pursue death.

My husband is a sniper
and he waits in the trees
for me to come home
before he fires.

Something went wrong in the desert
and he doesn’t know
whether he pulled the trigger
or not.

And all the men
slip into their corners
to be alive in nightmares
and not remember.

Pike felt blood on his hands
in the right light.
-Amy Solomon-Minarchi


My Sister, Who Died Young, Takes Up The Task

A basket of apples brown in our kitchen,
their warm scent is the scent of ripening,

and my sister, entering the room quietly,
takes a seat at the table, takes up the task

of peeling slowly away the blemished skins,
even half-rotten ones are salvaged carefully.

She makes sure to carve out the mealy flesh.
For this, I am grateful. I explain, this elegy

would love to save everything. She smiles at me,
and before long, the empty bowl she uses fills,

domed with thin slices she brushes into
the mouth of a steaming pot on the stove.

What can I do? I ask finally. Nothing,
she says, let me finish this one thing alone.
-Jon Pineda

Same Old

The same old story is different with each
re-telling. What did mother say? One
of the sisters asserts her truth to the other's
incredulity--someone has to be right.
Was the forest dark or light? Chiaroscuro
doesn't count. It's not logic but will,
the will to win. The trail in Mohican Park
leads to Lyons' Cave, deep and murky
with its rocky brow above the spring
you can drink from, or could. And the dark rot
of leaves under the oaks sprouts morels
you can fry, spongy smoke on the tongue.

You can't make people get along.
Are the sisters speaking? One sulks
outside. The other begins again,
the audience all her own. Branches
break their fall, and the few grasses
are shriveled. Why enter the forest at all?
The arrowheads have been harvested,
and all the bones filed into needles.
-Mary Crow; Colorado Poet Laureate


What It Was Like Those Days

Since, as a child, I was happy
as a child, I thought every one
was happy, including the grimy man
who lived at the city dump in a shack
decorated with hubcaps, broken chairs
by the door cheerfully facing out to a waste,
those days, of rubble smoking and oily dirt,
although it was a strange kind of happiness
I knew I wouldn’t ever know.
Even the dead, I thought then,
grinning as I biked around town,
were happy in their own way.
That’s what it was like.
-Robert King
(by permission Northwest Review)

Believing in Iron

The hills my brothers & I created Never balanced, & it took years To discover how the world worked. We could look at a tree of blackbirds & tell you how many were there, But with the scrap dealer Our math was always off. Weeks of lifting & grunting Never added up to much, But we couldn't stop Believing in iron. Abandoned trucks & cars Were held to the ground By thick, nostalgic fingers of vines Strong as a dozen sharecroppers. We'd return with our wheelbarrow Groaning under a new load, Yet tiger lilies lived better In their languid, August domain. Among paper & Coke bottles Foundry smoke erased sunsets, & we couldn't believe iron Left men bent so close to the earth As if the ore under their breath Weighed down the gray sky. Sometimes I dreamt how our hills Washed into a sea of metal, How it all became an anchor For a warship or bomber Out over trees with blooms Too red to look at. -Yusef Komunyakaa

National Poetry Month

Happy National Poetry month everyone! Woot! In honor of this month, I will be posting a new poem everyday throughout April. It will either be a poem of my own, or a poem by someone else. So, without further adieu, here's a poem!

Ode to a Coffee Bean
by Daniel J. Adkins

The smells of sunrise fly into my head
The black, earthy smell of liquid joy
Rouse me from the sleep of engulfing beds
That first sip is as to a child on Christmas,
Getting her favorite toy.
The dark, smooth coating given to the mug
Opens a portal into the secret word
Where one bean from a stately tree hung,
Picked, looked at with a careful eye, in fingers twirled
Chosen to be my morning comfort
From halfway across the globe.
Now you sit, among compatriots ground, covered
With scalding liquid to extract your essence
For me to ingest, to share, to connect as lover
To see the conjoined life we lead, you needing me
To unlock your potential, me needing you to unlock my mind.

An Anniversary Means... PARTAY!

"If we don't stop extending our troops all around the world in nation-building missions, then we're going to have a serious problem." — George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

Some of my favorite things we engage in as a culture are anniversaries. From birthdays to weddings there's always some reason to celebrate and in the spirit of that cultural norm, I'd like to propose we have a celebration, no wait, a PARTY to commemorate the Anniversary of the invasion and subsequent victory of "Operation Freedom" roughly five years ago. Can you believe it? It's been five years since major fighting was declared over. Georgie boy was right, wasn't he? Man, those history books will check this one in the "win" column. I mean, even W can acknowledge this; "There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world." --George W. Bush, addressing U.S. troops at Camp Arifjan in Kuwait, Jan. 12, 2008

Can you believe it? Victory for the good of the World! What a time we live in! I'll toast my four dollars of gas a gallon to that! Well, any great achievement such as that deserves some thanks so I'd like to take the majority of this blog to thank Commander in Chief Bush for all that he has accomplished over the past five years.

George W. Bush, here's to you!

Thank you so much for your foresight. I mean, who knew that we would be able to so effectively defeat our enemies. In a month's time we destroyed their whole social structure. We bombed schools, hospitals, mosques, homes, businesses, and an underground base here and there. They were there right? Housing those WMD's? Man, I sure would have liked to have seen those. I mean, Saadam could have used them against us, right? Oh and I'm so glad that there were no people in any of the buildings we bombed either. They must have been vacant because we would never bomb something if we knew there were civilians still in it. We want to avoid as much collateral damage as possible. So, once again thank you George for knowing that massive bombing is the wave of the future in warfare and we can win and end wars with it in enough time to come home for The Bachelor.

Thank you too for protecting Iraq's main source of income, oil. Without that, their country would be completely decimated, but now they can live full, Western lives knowing that we all need their oil. I mean, you're a good old boy who understands supply and demand and of course you want to promote capitalism as the best economic system. So of course the Iraqi people will get to sell us their oil at a fair price, one where they can make a profit and we can continue to drive our Toyota Highlands and Humvees without paying nearly half our paychecks to do it. Man, what a visionary! I do however, find that you seem a tad oblivious to current gas prices; "Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008. It's ok though, you have a lot on your plate. One little mistake is perfectly ok, because you certainly haven't made any other ones in these past five years.

On the issue of economics, I want to say a big thank you. War is so beneficial to the economy, World War II proved that, so of course it's true. I'm so glad that the Economic advisor who projected that Operation Freedom would cost 200 billion dollars was booted out in 2002. What a drag to hear that! I'm so happy it hasn't cost that much. I mean, 1.3 trillion is quite a bit more, but it's alright because we have plenty of jobs here in the States to stoke the flames of prosperity! A little outsourcing doesn't hurt either. It's not like we're in a recession or have a nine trillion dollar national debt, is it?

Mostly, I want to thank you for re-invigorating the military. We had a serious glut of people in the Armed forces. We definitely needed more people to defend our borders, especially after 9/11. Big deal if they are distracted and stretched a little thin by a simple Operation. If we need more, we can get a draft going. Volunteer armies are so overrated. I mean, the only way I could see that happening is if North Korea or some country like that decided to get some nukes built, test them and pose a threat to us. But that won't happen. No way, they're way the fuck on the other side of the world. I feel perfectly safe under your guidance Mr. Bush. Hopefully McCain will get to fill your auspicious shoes. I want to make sure myself and my children feel safe for, oh, at least one hundred years.

In the spirit of the event I'd like to let you all see some pictures that will tell you the real story that's going on in Iraq, not this crap that's being forced down our throats by the media.

*Note* I am hyperlinking these images. Many of them a very graphic and I want to give people the choice to view them or not. I do not believe in shoving my rhetoric down others throats. I encourage you to look, but remember I warned you. The guest password for the album is "iraqw."

Pictures

It's that time again!

Tomorrow, the twenty-second of September, I turn twenty-three. I can only say one thing about it... I feel old! I know, I know I'm far from being old. I am only twenty-three for god's sake. Still, with the recent happenings of my life I am beginning to feel less like a carefree "kid" and more like an adult. I suppose this is what psychologists call "emerging adulthood" (that period in your life where you 18-25 or so). I'll fill you all in on why I am feeling the sudden impact of "age;"

1. Bills
Yes, I now have bills. I have my cell phone bill, my rent, my food, my support money for a child (not my own, but I got you there huh?) and such. So, it doesn't sound like a lot (and in reality it isn't) but budgeting is a new thing for me. Ah yes, I am behind on a vast majority of people in the bill paying world and I have no right or reason to complain. Still, it makes me feel bad every time I spend money on something that I don't "need."

2. Car
So to add to my financial matters, I have been seriously looking into getting a car. I have a fairly limited amount I can spend relegating me to buying P.O.S. model cars. In fact, I am going to check out a potential this evening. We will see if it's as good as it seems. I'm feeling a little nervous about it, not a good sign. Anyway, car will be money, insurance will be money and by default I will be eating a lot of bread and water.

3. Job
I've had lots of jobs before, many more stressful and more of a permanent potential thing. Still, working and being in school is a bit of a juggle. The only complaint I have about working in a library is that the work can be (ok, is) monotonous, very quiet and can lead to boredom. It is quiet, easy, and low stress, which I can take some boredom for that. Also, specific complaint about my current job is working Sunday afternoons. Yep, no football, only Saturday off and if you've never been in a University library on a Sunday afternoon... well go and imagine working there. Still though, the money will be nice and responsibility isn't bad.

4. Graduation
Yes, I am getting close, whether it be a year from now, or a year and half I am getting close to being done. With my sights so far on getting certified to teach high school (and hopefully getting to do so in an inner city) I find my self thinking less about the dreams of my younger days (you know, touring the country, playing in a band, being 18 forever...) and thinking more about having a career, having a family (some day, I'm not in a rush to have kids, but someday), a house, where I want to live... all that stuff. It's crazy to me to think about how I am closer now to finishing college than I am to not. I mean, scary thought! Maybe I'll just stay in college for the rest of my life... naw. I'd go nuts if I did that. I don't want to be that 35 year old guy living in a student apartment with a bunch of 20-something guys. No thanks.

With all this said, I don't want to give the impression that it depresses me. On the contrary, I'm excited about it! It is different though.

Oh, quick note... I'm no longer in Marriage of Convenience. This time it's for good. We have parted ways and well, it is what it is. They will continue to play as Marriage of Convenience and I will not be a part of it. There ya go.

So, I think I've rambled enough. I must be going as I am off to check out a car. Peace and love to you all.

Reflections

Today is the third day I have been back from my summer away from Colorado. When I think back upon it, I can't help but be struck by everywhere I went in three months. San Francisco, Seattle, St. Louis... It really is funny to me that I just picked up, left everything here and went off and did that. It wasn't easy.

The first part of the summer I was racked with a sense of fun at being in San Francisco and Seattle but I missed home. I missed Megan, I missed my band, I missed my family... I was without a doubt homesick. There was something else burning inside me. It was the culmination of years and years of cynicism, brought on most succulently by feelings of disappointment in my local church body. Feelings of fakeness and feelings of wanting to leave Christianity and religion behind. Yet, I was getting ready to spend my summer in St. Louis "serving God." Strange place to be, huh? The last week of May I traveled to Minneapolis to do training for my summer working for YouthWorks! The week was exhausting, intense and ended with me taking a full day off to do nothing but pray, think and come to the realization that I really didn't believe in the power of Christ or God anymore. Sure they were far off spiritual entities, but as for being moving, salient, real being that impacted my life... it wasn't there. I was finally honest with myself... I didn't give a shit. Yet, something still lingered, triggered by a friend who said what I needed to hear, even if I fought it with everything in my being. I was given the choice to stay and continue to St. Louis or at my own expense, leave Minneapolis and head back to Colorado. Those of you who know me, know that I continued to St. Louis.

Those first weeks were a blur of 50-75 people coming in and out, me organizing them into work crews, contacting and setting up "ministry sites" at non-profits in north St. Louis, doing skits, giving a morning devotion and feeling like the biggest fake in the whole of the Earth. I remember one day in particular going outside, sitting down while the youth did their devotions and thinking to myself, as I stared blankly... "I can't do this if I'm going to feel like this." It was going to be a long, hard, lonely summer...

Then I noticed something. I noticed that people's lives were being changed. At first, it was nothing more than being excited that two of the youth got the reason we partnered with a site (after I spent a good 15 minutes telling them why, never feeling like it got through). Then they got it. They understood. We were there to help and be the hands and feet to this organization. God began to move in me again, even if I didn't notice. I saw this same reaction from here on out, continued to get worn out, continued to tell all the participants, "no matter how small and insignificant the work, you are doing a great thing. You are loving these people, serving them and loving and serving Christ." As unreal and phony I felt saying these words the first few weeks, I was completely modeling them. I was giving 110% of myself to the participants every week and I didn't know why outside of, "it's my job."

In a fit of cynicism I connected with the words from a song, "God save us from your chosen ones." I felt as if my belief had brought me nothing but pain, inner torment, and confusion. I felt it was fake. So the words of this song spoke to me until the end of the song when the lyrics changed, "You'll be the reason the hopeless celebrate/He takes us from our violent shame." This is what I was seeing, everyday. People coming from all over the country to serve a community destroyed by poverty and darkness. I saw children run up to strangers and hug them for nothing else then the fact that they were to play with them; there to love them. I heard about an 8 year old boy who talked to a girl about his brother being shot and killed the night before, I saw the joy that was etched on a woman who couldn't remember my name when we brought her food and talked and prayed with her. A child ran up to her mom, excited about something she got from one of us, mom answering, "I'm sure they only gave that to you because they feel sorry for you." These children, these people, beaten down by society, beaten down by darkness, painting signs over the interstate saying "End Eminent Domain Abuse," these people who might have never, ever felt unconditional love... and I saw that love expressed. Every week, people were changed. The youth, the adults, the people of St. Louis... myself. It wasn't about me anymore. I wasn't about me and my homesickness, about me and my cynicism, about me and my ideas... it was about the youth, the community of St. Louis, about changing lives, about love, and most importantly... about Christ. Suddenly, the words I spoke in my devotion to the youth every Wed. morning didn't feel so fake. They didn't feel so phony. They were real.

And this is where I rested in the rest of the summer. I have only begun the process of... processing. :P I feel as if, like my staff member Shan said, I feel that my summer in St. Louis is a starting point. To where I am going I am not sure, but I am excited and nervous about it. One thing is sure though, as awesome as the summer was, I am very glad to be home. I will see those of you I haven't seen yet soon.

Summer in the city

I shuffle my feet through the empty halls of a decayed institution of learning. I check the lights and see that I am alone in cold rooms that echo my every word. Every night I hit the floor and fall into sleep as if I were a dead man, only to rise at the coming of the sun to do it all over again...

So, I am now getting ready to begin week five of Youthworks St. Louis. For those of you who don't keep up with what I do, I have been in St. Louis for the past six weeks doing what is known as the Youthworks summer. My job here is simple; to facilitate week long missions trips for high school church groups in St. Louis. We are going into our fifth week of having youth here and I am, as to be expected, exhausted. My days run from about 6 in the morning to 11:30 at night and I'm usually up later than that. My specific job at the site here in STL is known as Urban Staff. This means that I coordinate the volunteer and service work that the high schoolers do for various non-profits in Downtown and north St. Louis. Most of my day is spent going between sites, making sure things are running smoothly and keeping up a good relationship with the non-profits. I also divide up the youth into "crews" every week, splitting up the groups so that they all go somewhere and that they all have different and unique experiences. I actually don't mind most of this and there is a bit of fun in dividing up 70 people every week (gives me a bit of power trip, until I get frustrated when all the churches bring 7 passenger mini-vans).

I have gone through quite the emotional rollercoaster this summer in just being here. From having strong feelings of not wanting to do it at the beginning (to almost quitting) to being lonely and missing home, to where I am now. Still homesick, still wanting to get back to the things I love back at home but at the same time realizing the important work that is being done here. Even though these are mission trips, the main focus of Youthworks is not so much to go a spread the gospel with tracts and hellfire, but to go into communities and make a visible and physical difference in people's lives all for the sake of spreading to message of God's love. Honestly, as cynical of a person I am towards American Christianity, I can't say anything against Youthworks. The organization is doing something to help people and make lives better and that is incredibly commendable. It is my hope and prayer that in the end, my work here will have brought some light into a dark place and that the eight weeks we had youth here will impact St. Louis for the better. So far, it has and I see no reason while it won't continue. From the kids who live in a part of the city that has to have a police officer on site at a park during the day, to the elderly folks who can't clean their basement because of illness and age, to the homeless men who can't get a meal, the youth have been a part of spreading some love to all these people and I have seen and heard stories about how already there is a change in people's lives. Here's a story for you all; there is a park we work at called Dwight Davis. This is the park where we find the police officer there during the day so we will feel protected. A young child came up to one of the youth and said, "Did you hear about the guy who got shot last night." The youth replied, "yea." Then the child said, "That was my brother." There was a pause and then the kid said, "can I just talk to you for a bit. I have some stuff I need to work through." A child under the age of ten shouldn't have to deal with that and it puts a smile on my face when I see how happy and joyful the kids are to have our youth there to just play with and love them.

So, now that I have the tear jerker story out of the way, here are two of the cray things that have happened to me this summer. First week, I broke my pinkie playing basketball with a group from Ohio. I have the splint off now and I hope that it healed alright. Secondly, this past Wednesday I got into a car accident. I was driving out with a group to their "ministry site" for the day and I didn't realize that the bus in front of me had stopped. Well it did and I looked away form the road for a split second and BAM! smashed right into the back of it. Don't worry I am ok, but Wendy (our 98 Ford Windstar mini-van) is no more. The front of the mini-van became a slinky and no it will cost way too much to fix (which means at some point, we get a new mini-van). There have been some other crazy things happen, but I don't want to tell all my stories at once.

It has been a whirlwind summer and I will be ready to return home when it is time. For now, despite the bad weeks and exhaustion and frustration, I am enjoying it. It all makes sense when that one youth finally gets the idea and message across that we are trying to get to them. I haven't had a ton of them, but the few I have make it all worthwhile.

California isn't all warm

I have been in the Bay area of California for the past couple of days and I must say that I am enjoying myself. Leaving Colorado on Friday was difficult, but I got excited as soon as I saw the bay and the Golden Gate bridge. I must preface this blog before I continue; I love my family very much. Now, on with the blog.

Saturday was my cousin Paul's wedding and he got married to someone who seems like a great fit and decent person. I don't know her, but from what the rest of my cousins have said, she's good. So I will believe them. It's been good to see family I haven't seen in probably 15 years. Yes, some of my cousins I haven't seen since they were little. I kind of wish that I would have been able to grow up with them as every time I'm around them, we always get along. There is something about being family that just gives you an instant connection. I like it. My "normal" family on the other hand... well I love them. Suffice it to say, I think this will be my last family vacation for a bit. There comes a point where you really just want to develop your own life. Not break ties, but I want to go travel and be off on my own. Or with my girlfriend. Both sound equally appealing (with the latter shining a little brighter). Anyway, I've come to realize that the idea of sunny warm California only applies to Southern California. Northern California is windy, cool (still sunny) and very beautiful. There are times where I get a good view of the surroundings and I think to pictures of the Mediterranean Sea. I am finding myself falling in severe like with the topography.

My thoughts still fall though with the rest of the summer. I am gone from my home at this point until August 14th and as hard as I try I can not get excited about it. Perhaps when it all happens and I am there, my attitude will change. I hope so, I really do. It's going to be an experience that's for sure. My thoughts haven't changed since my last blog so read below if you want.

This time between 9 and 11 is my only personal time. I need this private time. If for nothing else to de-compress. To spend it how I will. To call up that cute girl living three states away, to think, to walk. To listen to silent (or in this case not so silent) wind. Yes, I quote King's X often. I will now bid adieu as I go to sit outside, look at the black sky, and feel the salt breeze kiss my sense of smell.

Summer

Last week was, rightly so, a week from hell. Little sleep, playing severe catch up (I wrote somewhere around 25-30 pages in a weeks time) and then... preparing to head to St. Louis for the summer. I got a call on Monday morning from an organization called Youthworks. If you want more information (as I don't feel like typing it all out here), go to www.youtworks.com. A phone interview was set up for Tues. morning and as long as it was it went well. So well in fact, they offered me a job on Thursday as a part of their Urban Site staff in St. Louis, MO. I took the position and now, with traveling to San Francisco at the end of this week and then Seattle six days later and after that Minneapolis to train and then finally St. Louis, means that I am gone from Colorado for the entire summer. It's a strange thing to think about being gone for the whole summer. I find myself not as excited about it as I should be. In fact, I'm pretty down about it. While the position with Youthworks will provide me with a job, a chance to serve and help people, and a chance to travel (all things I want to do) I can't quite wrap my head around the idea that I am leaving many things I love for a solid three months. I'm leaving my band, my kitten, a chance to see friends that I only get to see once or twice a year and most importantly, I'm leaving my girlfriend. Some of you may be saying, "Ah, poor you," in as sarcastic of a tone as you can muster and you'd be justified in that. I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime and chances are I may not get this kind of opportunity for awhile. Still, I had come in recent weeks to enjoy my place in life again. I was a little stressed and down for a bit (mostly because of school and the band not going anywhere) but I pulled myself out of it, school is done and the band is going places again (as we are opening for Drowning Pool on Wed. night). While these things were certainly external factors, there was something internal that I could quite get as to why I was in my feeling low state. Still can't, but it was passing and I know a good deal of that was conscious. I was getting excited to look for a job, work, hang out in Greeley (I've spent the past three years traveling from Greeley to Colorado Springs every summer and I was looking forward to staying put for once), and now I have to get myself jazzed up to work with high school and middle school kids. It will be good, I'm sure, but it is strange to me to see how I've changed. A year ago, I would have killed to be in this position. To be going on an adventure and seeing new people and places... it would have been my dream. Perhaps I need to reconnect with that part of me in order to get in the right mindset.

Stability. I find that even when I think I've found stability in something, it isn't there. I'm not going to air any dirty laundry there as the company involved still doesn't know how I feel (and to speak it via blog is heartless disrespectful). I will say this; a year ago I thought I had found my ideal. Now a year later, it comes up painfully short. For those of you wondering, no this is not about my girlfriend. She's still everything awesome that I thought she was when we started dating. Just to clear that up. I guess my life is going to have an air of instability to it for a bit longer. Perhaps this is good. I will be far outside my comfort zone in St. Louis and perhaps it will motivate me to draw closer to God. That is my hope and prayer. I am coming from something of a cynical mindset and while I've never thought that a certain amount of cynicism is bad, it can get stifling. The unknown is where I am headed until August 14th. It is in the unknown and unfamiliar that I am being thrust and for what reason I am not yet sure.

Schism

Schism, n. A breach of the unity of the visible Church;

This word has been bouncing around in my head for a couple days now. It's a word that carries very strong meaning to it. To publicly remove oneself from the church over matters of doctrine has given rise to many a change in the course of Western Christian history. The Orthodox church, The Protestant Reformation and now... the Emergent church. Yes, I am lumping the Emergent church in with the other great schisms of Christianity. Or at least, I am postulating the idea that it could lead to a great schism. I have said for a number of years that there is a great something changing within the American church. Some would refer to this as apostasy rearing its ugly head. These same individuals would tell you that within our lifetime we will see the end of the world and the return of Christ. I am not throwing myself in with that lot. Does this mean I am saying it won't happen? Not at all. What I am saying is that this fixation on the end of the world speaks leaps and bounds about your own personal and theological perception. I have always tried to be an optimist and believer in the idea that a life change in Christ is a positive one. I also feel, due to circumstances in my own life, that our life here on Earth is not some prison that we need to escape from, but should be embraced as a gift from God. How this relates into a view of "being an alien in a foreign land" I see as follows; we are put here on this plane of existence for a reason and whatever that reason may be we should pursue it. Being that I come from a Christian perspective I view this reason as being an agent of change, particularly in telling (through both words and actions) about the restored life one can have in Christ. Salvation is an ongoing process that begins with our realization of our need for a redemptive relationship with Christ and continues through death. The point is not that we have some destination and are simply on hold over but that we are an active agent in the world in which we live and we should live with that mindset. In our temporal minds, 80 years is a long time and if we are here for that long of a time we should enjoy and rejoice in that time. Particularly if we have the restored relationship with the Creator of this life we should rejoice all the more! I may sound like a hypocrite as there have been times, recently even, where I have not practiced what I preach. However, no human is without even the slightest bit of hypocrisy. The old standby, "none of us are perfect" rings very true. The goal is to live to the best you can, but this life can be hard and harsh and unforgiving. Once again, all the more reason to live with the perspective that I am here and here for a reason and that reason is to show to the world the redemptive life I live and they too can live in Christ. It's not about collecting souls. It's about life.

Ok, now onto what I was actually going to talk about. Yes, I chase rabbits very often. We have seen a cultural shift in the American church as of late. This can be due to several factors. The advance of humanism, postmodernism, an increased awareness of culture and religion in other areas of the world... take your pick. The typical party line you will hear towed by Christians is that all these things are bad and have had a hand in taking away our "God" from America. This is a great fallacy as far as I'm concerned. God was never anymore in America than He is anywhere else in the world. Yes, we have a history of Puritanism in the U.S. and that influenced the formation of the nation but it was not the sole or main reason. The main reason was to get out of British colonial rule. Let's not forget, the American Revolution motto was not "A nation built for God!" but "No taxation without representation!" The shift away from a strong Puritan influence (which did not bring about all good... slavery was almost unilaterally supported and in actuality the Amish and Mennonites were the first Christian denominations to speak out against slavery, not the Puritans) in the United States is as I've come to see it a result of the influence of humanistic thought but also the result of globalization. I'll give you that. However, the idea of postmodernism also brought about the emergent church which seeks to be relevant to the current generation who see nothing vital in the traditional values of modernist Christianity. The current generation feels rejected, disconnected and that Christians simply don't care. These are all things I've felt and why I probably fall most closely in theology to the emergent church. However, I do not call myself an emergent. Here is why, I feel it is counter productive. The goal of the emergent movement, as I have seen it, is to reform the church by tearing down the distinctions in traditional Christianity. For an example of this, read Brian McLaren's "A Generous Orthodoxy" where he tries to find the good in the variety of Christian denominations. I commend this and see the value in it. It can also lead to a sort of Christianity that smacks of Universalistic values. The emergent church is a varied, fractured movement at the moment and one that does not have a set sort of values. In essence, there is no postmodern creed. This is one of the reasons why I am not labeling myself an emergent. I feel that if the church is to become one again, to tear down the idea of denominations and become a whole body again, there should be no label other than the one that labels us as followers of Christ. Emergent runs the risk of becoming yet another denomination. It will be a fractured denomination though, one with a few noteworthy leaders who don't always agree with each other. Is this bad? No, but it is troubling. It leaves the idea of lasting impact too far fetched. So, could the emergent church be a schism. Well, it already is. You wouldn't be surprised to find emergents who question the reality of hell, emphasize the humanity of Christ, and draw inspiration from humanistic writers. These are things that "traditional" western Christianity will not tolerate. Hence, a schism has, or is occurring. Is it apostasy? Not quite but it can be dangerous.

My final thought is this. This theological shift that is occurring in Christianity can go to ways. Either it will reform the church and bring thousands to hear the message of the gospel (as is evidenced by Rob Bell's Mars Hill Church) or it will simply fall to the wayside and people will continue to leave the church. Then apostasy may set in. Or you may find the same thing as you've found the past 10-15 years; Christians who still believe and claim a deep faith yet feel no need to attend what has been the model of church for the past several hundred years.

The sound of clarity

Ah Music... you have been my obsession since that tender, innocent age of 15. Over the years, we've had a healthy relationship that has mostly revolved around me gaining insurmountable pleasure from you. If only I could return to that time where I was so excited about every single cd I bought. Where listening to KILO resulted in me hearing some cool new band. When Mudvayne were a "new" band. I can still remember going to Best Buy to buy L.D. 50 and seeing the odd, pharmacy meets humanity cover. Seeing the faces of the four band members painted, looking demonic and alien and just too damn cool.

Tonight I have been brought to a night wherein I should be catching up on all my homework (I have several papers to start and/or finish) and while I've done some of that (while also registering) I find myself wanting to do nothing more than sit in my room, draped in my wornwaytoomuchandheldontotoolong hoodie and engage in an act of intimacy with the auditory equivalent of perfection. Some thoughts at the moment; Mudvayne were at one point an incredible band. Since the release of L.D. 50 back in 2000 the band have regressed into an above average radio metal band. However, the band at one point tackled complex topics such as the idea of drugs and hallucinogens and how they have impacted human evolution. Nothing that complex anymore. Now we have "Are you feeling happy?" I suppose it's the natural consequence of being in the music business and achieving a slight bit of success. There is a need to repeat that, or fall by the wayside. Same story. Band X gets obscure radio hit despite being uncharacteristic of radio music, label gets greedy, band likes more support from label, pressure to repeat success, band does not, gets dropped, repeat add nausea. I still feel somewhat cheated. Like I've lost something. Something that was so exciting and fresh and new and now... not.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some bands utterly surprise me with their renewed level of awareness and dedication to creating art. Machine Head have long been one of my favorite bands and their new album, "The Blackening," shows just what can happen when a band loses its head to the pressures of potential radio success only to come back, fully in love with the idea of creating music for music's sake. It's an album that flows, is aggressive, beautiful, haunting and challenging from a musical standpoint. After my first spin of the album, I felt that same excitement from when I first discovering the world of metal and music. It lit a fire under my ass and made pick up my guitar and start to write riffs. Same thing when I discovered the Psalters over the summer. Moments of Zen. Moments that I crave. Moments that motivates me to go and play that next show. Moments I would love someday to give back to others.

For now, I'll continue to engulf myself in the Zen that is sonic violence. Music, music, I hear music. Music over my... head...

Mountains, federal aid and Donald Miller

It's a shame really, there aren't too many great rock bands around anymore. I mean, sure there are bands out there now that have been around for some time, but when was the last time that a really great, straight forward, meat and potatoes rock band came out? Especially one that wasn't aping the sound of a myriad of better bands that came before them. Well, I suppose I'll have to be content with Alice in Chains for the moment (not that that will be hard).

The first portion of this past week I went with my girlfriend and another friend of ours (both of whose blogs are linked to the right) to a cabin in the shadow of Mt. Elbert. It was a good two days of relaxation away from technology, school, the band, and all the other craziness that seems to be my life. I noticed something though in trying to get away from the city and "society;" even in a fairly remote cabin in the mountains, there is still a highway. There is still electricity. There is still a plastic garbage bag underneath the "waterwheel" outside the cabin to prevent rotting. Is any of this bad? Of course not. Like I said, the two days there were a much needed break and escape and I feel much more refreshed. Even in escape though, modern society and all it's amenities are still there. It makes me think about the idea of globalization. Here we are, in a society that is linked with the rest of the world through technology living in a time and age where the world has very few hidden places (if any). The Age of Exploration I imagine was a time where the world seemed endless. Now the world has an end. I have a feeling that if I lived in that time and knew then what the fruits of my endeavors would be, I would probably shit my pants. There are no more blank spaces on the map. The whole planet has been Terra formed to our will, to our advances in science and technology. There is no real true escape into nature as anywhere you go you are bound to find modern civilization just on the border. This is not necessarily bad, it simply is. However, have we lost something in being the creators of our world? We have taken this creation and reshaped it into our will. Landscaping is to an extent the ultimate example of man being the creator of the world. Man being god. A stretch? Perhaps, but you all should be used to that.

Federal aid for going to school is a strange thing. Sometimes I feel like the government is simply saying, "ohhhh, poor thing. Your family doesn't make near enough money to support itself. Well instead of giving your dad a job so he can pay for school and food, we'll just give you a bunch of money and leave your family to fend for themselves." Sad state of affairs in my opinion.

Blue Like Jazz; I've heard people say that this book changed their life and their way of thinking. I don't count myself among those people, but I will say this; Donald Miller and I share a lot of the same observations and feelings on Christianity. I still find myself saying "Hell yea! Preach it brother!" at times while I am reading it. I came across a book in Borders yesterday called Revolution by George Barna and in the book Barna talks about the changing face of the American church. I would like to read his insights and I have a feeling that he would be very positive and optimistic about it. There is a change going on in the church in America and I can't decide if it's for the good, the bad, or if it will last. That is another blog for another day.

Metal up your ass!

So I read an interesting article this morning. Read it for yourself below;

Clicky, clicky.

Now, my first reaction to this was, "Hell Yeah!" I've been an avid metal listener since I was 15 and I still enjoy and love the music as much as I did back then. Being that I've always had good grades in school (not always fantastic, but good and great... great and good.) and the social perception that kids who listen to metal are mental peons and "bad seeds" has always bugged me. Anyone who knows me knows that neither of those labels fit to well. It's not that I'm trying to be egotistical, I'm simply stating what others have observed about me. While this article validates a truth that I've long known (you can be a genius and listen to metal) the article itself really only purports that this is a possibility and not a general fact. While still cool, I think the real quality in the article is in it's unintended explanation of why people listen to metal (in general); that it is music of the social outcast.

I do not consider myself that much of a socially awkward person, though at one time I was. When I first got into the music, I was a large glasses wearing, showering three times a week, bonafide home school nerd. I still am that same nerd, I just don't look or act it anymore. I was the socially self conscious, awkward kid. I was not (nor am I still) that violent or angry of a person. Yet something about the themes of alienation, the loud aggressive playing, it all rang true to me. It was also the first thing that I got into that other people would consider "cool" without it being "nerd cool." Anime, that's nerd cool. Science fiction, that's nerd cool. Reading and writing, nerd cool. Listening to metal and playing bass, that's just cool. I still wouldn't consider myself a "cool" person but the thing that listening to metal did most for me, it heightened my sense of individuality. While I now had something in common with certain people in my school, I began to have nothing in common with people at my church. While they were all about Third Day and whatever flavor of the week "worship" band was around at that time, I was proselytizing the gospel of Zao, Sevendust, Metallica, Refused, Machine Head, King's X, Soulfly, Tool... you get the idea. Yet it felt like, even though almost no one in my group of people who "believed the same as I did" listened to it, it gave me an individual identity. It helped me to start to think about why I liked this stuff and other people didn't. I may not be explaining it well, but the point is simple; metal and heavy music in general helped me to think for myself, but to also express my individual thoughts and to be fine with not fitting in. And then there is the sense of family and community that is felt at metal shows. Where else can you have an hour long conversation with someone you'd probably never be friends with outside of that setting yet because you both listen to metal you automatically have something in common and are "BFFs" for that moment. A shared belief if you will. You know what's sad? I've almost never felt the same about my faith in Christ and my interactions with most of his "followers." What does that say about the state of American "Christianity." Hmmm... a little cynicism from my earlier days. Perhaps.

What is my point in writing all this? To try and defend metal and the music I listen to? No. If you don't get metal, there's a good chance you may never get it. Even if you understand the reasons one listens to it, there is still the harshness of the music itself. Some people can't get past that. Others love it. I suppose my point in writing this blog was to critique an adequately done newspaper article that became a "testimony" of sorts. I don't know where I'm going with this half assed blog so... go listen to some Opeth and raise your IQ a little.

...

Today, being the 13th of March, is the day in which I walked out of class. I have no good reason other than the fact that as I sat there I had no earthly desire to be there. No one was talking, the woman proctoring the review had no clue what to talk about (thus being no help at all)and I could have counted all the people in there on one hand. So I left. I picked up my stuff and walked out.

Now that my story is done... I'm finding myself in this weird headspace again. The same headspace that I was in on Sunday, which is not the best during mid-terms. I keep finding myself coming back to the thoughts of what a friend did after being in school for two years. She quit and went and did foreign missions for something like... three years? Sounds right. I don't know if I'm cut out for foreign missions (actually, I'm sure I'm not) but picking up and traveling... I could do that. Hmmmm... writing calms me. Writing my thoughts out makes me fall back into that place known as perspective. I need a break. I need a break from school, the band, and Colorado. It won't happen, I know. Still... that desire is there.

Visual DNA

I'm only posting this because it seems to fit fairly well...

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™