In which we will sanction North Korea

It appears that tensions between the U.S. and North Korea will not get any better anytime soon. In a recent Reuters article we see that the U.S. is in talks with South Korea about financial sanctions against North Korea. It appears as if the Obama administration is doing exactly what it was meant to do, be a prettier version of a Bush administration. I am no political guru and I certainly don't have time to visit every news site out there, but what I have noticed appearing recently in Obama is a strong desire to make friends and be liked. His first 100 days seemed to be filled with bill after bill being signed and the start of an economic stimulus package. However, the shit stained reality is hitting and it seems that most of his promises will go unfulfilled. We might look better to the world, but we are still having the same issues. Bolstering of forces in a war (this time Afghanistan), a prison not being closed, jobless rate at it's highest, etc. And in all honesty, I'm mostly pissed that we are still sanctioning another country. Really, all this does is reaffirm that we are a self interested empire trying to keep a lesser country from gaining a destructive advantage. I don't particularly want N. Korea to have nukes, but I don't want to piss them off more and make them hate us further. All that's going to do is make them nuke the U.S. first chance they get.

I guess this means the Christian Anti-Communism Crusade is getting it's wish. Oh wait, Obama's the communist. I forget.

Fuck politics.

Coffee shops make me sleepy

Or maybe it's my lack of sleeping at night. Whatever. I've got a show on Friday (tomorrow) back in the old hometown of Colorado Springs. Good old Conservachristtown will be assaulted by the tunes of current musical endeavor, Ruins of Tomorrow, and former musical endeavor, Marriage of Convenience. In case you are wondering if playing with a band that I was ceremoniously kicked out off and quit simultaneously is weird much like this awkward sentence, the answer is no. So if you are anywhere near the 719 around 8 tomorrow night, go to Union Station, have a drink and see some metal. It's good for you.

On another note, I am recording the bass lines to a new Ruins of Tomorrow song on Saturday. So far it's sexilicious and no doubt the addition of mastering, bass and vocals will make it that much more enticing. Look for it to be up on the internets around late June-ish.

I've been spinning the recent Success Will Write Apocalypse Across The Sky album and it sounds nothing like what you would expect it to with such a stupidly long name. Think short bursts of modern Floridian style brutal death metal and you've got an idea. Good stuff indeed. Also, the new Daath. I've talked about it before, but dammit did those guys pull out a good record!

Lastly, Pres. Obama has recently been wandering around the world trying to make friends. He has called for a "new beginning between US and Muslims," and stated that "Just as Muslims do not fit a crude stereotype, America is not the crude stereotype of a self-interested empire," in a recent Associated Press article. I can agree with half of that (not all Muslim people fit the stereotype, I'm sure) but America as a country, well, I wish I had a bullshit button. That's all the politics I'm going to do today, so until whenever, keep your nose clean.

Updte... as if anyone gives a shit.

Alright, to start things off I have a correction to make. In my blog entitled "Grrl Powered Cock Rock!" I mistakenly referred to bands such as WASP, Ratt, Poison etc. as "Power Metal." I realize that power metal is a legit, if equally cheesy, genre of metal and these hair bands have no right to be spoken in the same sentence as Stratovarius, Sonata Artica, Blind Guardian, etc. So I apologize, I need to learn how to proof read. As for the poster who remained anonymous and basically told me my view sucks and I am an idiot, well, fuck you and the birth canal that your mother spewed you from. In all seriousness, I am trying my best to see what I am mistaken on and where exactly my "politics delude reality." As human beings we have the mental capacity to break free from traditionally put upon gender roles and traits. Even if those gender roles and traits are defined by chemical reactions to incoming stimuli, it still doesn't mean we have to go back to men being men, women being women. The only thing that is truly different between myself and any woman walking the street is that I was ascribed a Y chromosome that gave me a penis and non lactating, undeveloped breasts. Everything else is societal, familial, and cultural (and yes, culture and society are different). Once again, I appreciate any and all comments, criticism and editing on these blog posts. I like new information being thrown my way. Just be prepared for a rude, snide, not to be taken seriously, colorful response. I like those.

Alright, now that that's off my chest, I'd like to take a poll. How's that economic stimulus working out for you? It should be happening right? I know that I'm definitely feeling it after only a few months of an Obama administration. It's not like these things take time or something. To be honest, I haven't kept up with the news as of late. I honestly have been wrapped up in my own world as my family has had a time of it. So I guess when I have something more important to write I will. Otherwise, go check out Success Will Write Apocalypse Across The Sky, Agoraphobic Nosebleed, Tombs, and Psalters. I'm digging on all of them recently. Til next time.

The metal rain!

It's raining here in good old Greality and snowing, well, everywhere else in CO. Since the rest of the state and the great city of Cheyenne (where my show tonight was, sadly canceled) seem to be covered in the white stuff, here's some metal news. Because I have no life outside of the metals.


Slipknot, The Agonist and Bring me the Horizon all released new videos this week. None of them are that terribly impressive, but I think these three bands each reveal something different about the current state of metal. I'll let you all to make up your minds, but the phrase "twice baked" seems to fit all three.

Slipknot- Sulfur

Slipknot - New Music - More Music Videos

The Agonist- ...And Their Eulogies Sang Me to Sleep
The Agonist - ...and Their Eulogies Sang Me to Sleep


Bring Me The Horizon- Diamonds Aren't Forever

Bring Me The Horizon - New Music - More Music Videos

In other news, Chimaira and Daath are both releasing new albums on Tuesday. Yay! I am currently on my third spin of the new Chimaira disc and I am finding that sometimes I enjoy the piss out of it and others I am bored beyond the desire to piss. Seriously, they seem really lazy half the time and rally inspired the other. Lame. Daath on the other hand, I am so stoked about! Every song I've heard thus far has lead me to think it will be an excellent addition and far above the exciting/boring album that "The Hinderers" is. Anyway, decide for yourself!
Daath on myspace
Chimaira on myspace

Also, apparently Mike Patton wrote the score for the new Crank film. I've never seen the first one and probably wouldn't go see the second if it weren't for the fact that MIKE FUCKING PATTON WROTE THE DAMN SCORE!!! Click here for a glorified commercial for Crank: High Voltage and some insight into Mike Patton's song writing process. Cheers and beers my friends!

The State of Metal, pt. 2. Or in other words, the long awaited conclusion to a barely read and hardly recognizable blog.

To begin this blog, I was going to have a video showcasing the difference between hardcore dancing and mosh pitting (is that an appropriate term?). However, all the videos sucked so instead here's a guy getting kicked in the nuts.



Crappy videos aside, the point of this long, un-awaited follow up to my last posting (dated June 11, 2008) is to finally engage in the discussion of what the hell is happening to metal. The what was originally meant to be a trio of blogs stemmed from a class project on the sociological reasons for the development of hardcore and metal music. I got a B on the project. See kids, do your homework in advance, not the night before. Still, the project made me think about the music. Why did these styles of music gain the steam they did? I won't recount everything here, but suffice it to say you can watch American Hardcore and Metal: A Headbanger's Journey for a crash course in both styles developments. What I am mainly concerned with here is, where is metal now?

Metal has been en vogue for a number of years now. I could cite a number of reasons (the Bush administration, the War in Iraq, the blandness of late 90's music, the coming of age of youth raised on In Flames, At the Gates, etc.) but really those don't matter that much right now. Metal, in 2009, is a fractured, stale, cookie cutter industry. That's right. I'm here to say that for all the good things that have happened to metal since the turn of the century, nine years in the genre has failed to bring about what it so desperately needs. New ideas. When the metalcore boom occured between 2003-2005 the bands sounded fresh. Most of this was due to those bands having had the chance to slog through the club and unsigned scene for a number of years. Plus these were people who were genuine fans of both hardcore and metal and had found a way to combine the two. Shadow's Fall, Killswitch Engage, All That Remains, Unearth, Lamb of God, God Forbid, Chimaira, Shai Hulud... the list goes on. While nothing these bands were doing was inventive, it was new. It was exciting. Soon it got bogged down by imitators and trend setters. Some of those bands saw this as a chance to grow and change (Lamb of God, God Forbid, Chimaira, to name a few) and some saw this as a chance to do the same thing over again (Shadows Fall, Killswitch Engage, and a host of others). Some soon saw metalcore as too weak, too by the numbers, too "un-metal" I suppose. Enter Deathcore and the current trend.

Before I continue, I must admit that I play in a bonafide Deathcore band. We are called Ruins of Tomorrow and I absolutely love playing in this band. Compared with my past musical endeavors, I feel like I am playing with fully committed, articulate and creative musicians. I will make no bones about it. We have breakdowns. We have melodeath, swede heavy riffs. We've got two vocalists. We have fans who two step and hardcore dance and who spend more time on their hair than I would ever care too. I say this because I am going to be unwavering in my accusations against this current trend of deathcore, knowing full well that the "true kvlt" will label me a hypocrite, bandwagoner, or pay me no mind whatsoever because at last check, 84 people have viewed my blog.

So deathcore, we meet at last. For those who need a primer, I am not giving one. I'm simply sending you to wikipedia and horrifying all of my ex-English profs in the process. I didn't really discover this phenomenon until I joined my current band and they began talking about Whitechapel, Despised Icon, Suicide Silence, etc. What I found was an attempt at a new take on being heavy and brutal and I kind of liked it. At the same time, I didn't. I found in it a lot of trappings that made metalcore stale. Excessive use of breakdowns, unimaginative swede rip off riffing, chants, and that bane of all "true headbangers", hardcore dancing. There was little sounding longevity to the style and as second tier bands have emerged (Rose Funeral, Oceano, Emmure, ABACABB) there is less hope for longevity. It's not that these bands can't play. They all have chops. Lots of chops. But there is no, and I mean NO real creativity in them. Personally, I enjoy listening to most of these bands when I am pissed off. It's a great fucking release, but don't fool yourself into thinking that they are adding anything new to the metal gene pool. These bands come off as recessive genes, adding the brown eyes, brown hair, moderate skin tone and other plain white, European traits to an already boring looking person (how's that for Eurocentrism?). But this person is fun to hang out with. A lot of fun. I think I've put my finger on it. Metal, in it's current form is less about innovation and more about imitation. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but eventually the flattered upon says, "enough for fucks sake! Be your own person!"

As I am typing this, I realize there are a host of great albums out there. From 2008, we have Origin's Antithesis, Becoming the Archetype's Dichotomy, Meshuggah's Obzen, Gojira's The Way of All Flesh and more recently God Forbid's Earthsblood. I'm sure most of you could compile your own list of greats from 2008 and 2009, but these are the ones that come to mind. Mastodon's Crack the Skye proves to be a contender to inject a much needed shot of ingenuity into the genre, but really isn't that band kind of their own at this point? Some of you could even point out the most obscure death metal band as the contender for king of the proverbial mountain and some of you would say, "you overlooked insert my favortie band of the moment!" Here is the other problem I see as I wind up this long winded, go no where blog. There is a lot of metal out there. The internet and the ease of sharing your music has caused an influx of new bands that hasn't been seen since... well ever. Sorting out the wheat from the chaff is becoming increasingly harder. Something has to change.

But what? I don't actually have any answers aside from, be more unique and creative. But where to go from here? Become more technically proficient in hopes of becoming more creative? Start listening to other genres and add them? Get heavier? Faster? Slower? It's all been done. Where metal will go from here is anyone's guess. Hopefully someone will spice up the metal stew soon. For now, we all must be content with having ourselves spoonfed a satisfying, if an ultimately bland metal meal. Metal is more popular than it may have ever been, but is it better? The answer, like all hard questions, is yes and no. For the moment, I need to go practice, because ultimately, someone has to do something and that's my starting point. Keep the metal faith alive!

The State of Metal, pt. 1

Metal. It's been the code I've lived by since I was 16. The music of metal has colored my worldview in more ways than even I may know. To those of you who don't listen to metal as obsessively as I do you probably don't understand the appeal. It's loud, full of lots of notes played really fast, aggressive and very much counter cultural. Metal, real metal, will never "sell" and will never be understood on a grand scale. Every now and then a band like Metallica will make waves, but let's face it; the 'tallica boys gave up on real metal right around 1991. Still, somehow they have been able to expose the main stream of society to the world of skull crushing, house shaking music. Metal is much more than a style of music; it is a lifestyle. It is not, despite some misguided assumptions, about becoming an ardent Satanist. It is not about being an overly aggressive meathead. Does it appeal to these folks? Hell yea it does. Why is that? Well, metal has at it's core several characteristics, two of them being aggression and dissent.

Aggression is in the nature of the music itself. Metal was always about playing faster, rougher, louder, darker, and angrier. It's music that gets the blood pumping. It’s music that makes you, as a guitarist friend said, "want to break a rule." However, the music is also about dissent, but not necessarily in the "punk rock" sense most imagine dissent to be.

Dissent in punk music revolves around rallying against something happening presently in society that you don't agree with. It is a reactionary form of music. Metal on the other hand, grew organically from harder edged rock of the 60's and 70's. The people creating the music though were not the disenfranchised middle class youth of punk. Rather it was kids who had nothing more to do than play music. Kids who grew up in rough neighborhoods, in families that were sometimes broken, and didn't necessarily make a whole lot of money. It came from people who lived in "shit-holes." In severely non-affluent backgrounds. To wax sociological and somewhat Marxist, it came from the "peasants" and the "workers," those who are under the heal of the Capitalist system. Here is metals dissent. It is not a reactionary form of music like punk, but rather an outgrowth of strained cultural dynamics. Here is where metal begins to become a lifestyle. It grew initially out of the same stock of people, growing up in the same depressed urban and rural environments and presented itself to these same people. As such, it's influence and ability to appeal to a wider audience was built in from the get go. However, someone from an affluent background would not particularly understand the issue of growing up in this culture and system. The aggression of the music, the rallying against religion as a form of social and cultural control, grows from the frustrations born into an individual from this facet of society. This is what I have come to think is at the heart of metal as a lifestyle.

This is not to say that one must come from this sort of background to understand and appreciate metal, but it helps. I myself am from Colorado Springs, CO. I grew up in a loving home, with parents and family who have supported me every step of the way. We have always been considered "poor" by American standards though. I think, at our peak, my family made around 26,000 a year. For a family of five, that's just barely scrapping by. Of course, as a teenager I didn't understand the things that I just outlined above, I just liked the music. There is something in there that speaks to the same type of person though and I now feel that part of that was what I outlined above.

Due to the title of this blog, I am assuming many of you felt I was going to talk more about what is actually happening in metal musically today. Don't fret I will get to that. I feel though that some background was needed as metal has also changed in regards to its "lifestyle." Culture is not a static thing and neither is metal. The music as well as the culture of metal is changing in sometimes-drastic ways. If this is for the best or not, I haven't decided. Personally, my view on metal and the culture surrounding it have changed as I've grown more and dove more fully into the metal world. It is these ideas and perceptions I have come to over the years that I want to talk about in the next few parts of this blog. I will begin the next time outlining the current musical state of metal, how it got to the point it is at, and where I feel it is headed. Then I will begin to talk about the implications on the culture of metal and it's changing state. I don't know if I'll have more after that, but there is a good chance. So, stay tuned, I hope to get the next part up soon (which I always say, I realize that). Horns up!

-Dan

Vegan update

Well, it's been a little more than a week of trying to be vegan. First off, I've been hungry. Really hungry. Getting enough foodstuffs is a problem for a college student, let alone a vegan one. But, I did alright. Raisin Bran is a good source and there are these really good vegan frozen waffles. They are called "Vans'" and you can find in the frozen "naturals" section of most supermarkets.

Second, I "graduated" college yesterday! Woo hoo! I still have a couple classes for the summer, but for all intents and purposes, I'm DONE! My g/f threw me this huge party yesterday, lots of friends and family and tons of food. Problem is, none of it was vegan. So, in order to keep things easy and not complicated, we recanted on our month long vegan-ism yesterday. Yes, I ate cheese, cake, and snack mix with cheese. Later, my body decided to yell at me after playing a gig, forcefully stating just why I can't splurge on something I've cut out of my diet. So, if any of you were going to chastise me for not sticking to it for a straight month, and rightly so you would be, let it be known my body told just how stupid I was.

The cake was flippin' incredible though. And all the other food. I'll have a graduation blog later, as it was kind of a trip.

In case you are wondering if I am going to keep with the vegan thing for the rest of the month, I think that I am. I haven't decided totally yet, but I think I will be.

Grrl Powered Cock Rock!!

I took this Anthropology class which discussed the implications that art has on globalization and how art has and is an expression of an individual's culture from their own viewpoint. Basically, the whole issue of globalization is seen as a negative, however through the medium of art, which is constantly crossing international boundaries, there is a positive take on globalization. There is a crossing over of genres and new ideas being added to old sounds. Exciting stuff really. This blog however is not about that. No, this blog in fact is about feminism and rock music. One of the girls in my class gave a presentation where she exposed the class to, as she deemed them, "girl cover bands of cock rock bands." I know what you are thinking; "some chicks out there are doing their own version of Ratt, Poison, WASP, etc." See, when I hear "cock rock" that's what I think of. Overly masculine, horrible 80's power metal bands. Perhaps I'm mistaken in that definition. If I am, please correct me.

The cover bands she featured were "Lez Zeppelin," "AcDshe," "Kisses (female Kiss cover band)," and "Iron Maidens." For the most part, these bands sound like cover bands. They play the songs decently well, don't sound terribly original, and overall have bad vocals. Still the implication that these bands are taking what is perceived as a hyper masculinized form of rock music and making it their own is an indication of female empowerment (mind you, this was still the presenters assertion). I would like to disagree with this.

First off, I will admit that it isn't a huge stretch to reach the conclusion she made. However, my first problem is that these bands are not doing anything new. A cover band is meant as one thing; to pay tribute to a band that you enjoy to listen to. To regurgitate someone else's artistic accomplishments and then say that what's being done is new and empowering, is recursive. There is little ground made by a group of women covering "Number of the Beast" in a smoke filled bar in Southern California. Sure the idea is neat, and the whole "taking back the phallic symbol" of the guitar does have some implications, but really it's not going to advance the state of equality and feminism. These tribute bands come across as more of a shtick than anything else and I think most people would view it as such.

Second, the idea of simply doing something that's been done before lends little credibility to someone as an artist. These women could very well try and create music of their own, something that allows them to say what's on their minds. This in and of itself could be a source of motivation and empowerment for younger women who see these original female groups. The idea of, "I want to do what she's doing." The young woman would then go home, learn an instrument, and start the process of creating something new. With the right mindset, the lyrics and the music could be a vessel for change, much as rock music has been in it's short history. A cover band does little to nothing to advance these goals.

Third, focusing on these types of bands as the source of empowerment does not give credit to the real force of change going on in the metal community; female fronted metal bands. If you are even remotely familiar with the heavy weights of the metal scene at the moment, you know that Arch Enemy are huge. Arch Enemy are fronted by none other than Angela Gossow. Otep (not Opeth) are also a female fronted metal band who have gained a fair amount of popularity. Both of these bands feature aggressive vocals (of the "cookie monster" variety), places that have been dominated exclusively by males. The fact is, these women (along with many others) have taken the most unintelligible, aggressive and what would typically be thought of as "masculine" vocals and done them extremely well. Sometimes better than most guys. If you want to talk about women taking over something that has been seen as masculine and domineering, talk about this. Not only are these women creating something of their own, but they are also placing themselves in the position of authority (the singer) and doing it in a hyper masculine form (death metal style vocals).

There is still a breach though. There are very few female guitarists out there. Very few female drummers. There seem to be a disproportionate number of female bassists though. Also, while Gossow and Otep have talked about empowering young women by being on stage, the majority of the metal fan is still male and still only sees "the hot singer." While this in itself is nothing new to rock (there has always been the "hot singer" in rock, male or female) there are still more "hot" sentiments towards the women. This is a chasm that the rock/metal community may never pass.

I've only touched on the surface of a very complex issue here. Mostly, it's me reacting and raving. However, I think I've got something here. I would suggest going and looking up some female fronted metal bands. There are some good ones out there. I'll even give you a short list too. Look at me, all nice and shit. :P

Arch Enemy
Otep
Straight Line Stich
In This Moment
Nightwhish
Within Temptation

And there are more. Those are simply the ones I can pull off the top of my head.

Mayday! Mayday!

Alright, so my month long poetry-a-thon Didn't pan out as planned. However, I'm still going to try something here. First off, many of you know that I am a vegetarian. Well, I've decided for the month of May that I am going to attempt to go full fledged Vegan. Mostly, I'm doing it to try and get myself out of some bad eating and spending habits. So, it's kind of like a fast. Starting tomorrow and up until the 31st I will not consume a single animal byproduct. No cheese, no milk, no ice cream, no chocolate... I must be crazy. :P I do however think this will be a good thing for me though, get me back to eating better and not spending my money on Taco Bell or Qudoba.

With this though, I would like to extend an invitation for anyone who is interested to go vegan (or at least vegetarian) with me. If you've ever wondered what it would be like to go veg, or felt a pull to do it recently, this could be your place to start. Hey, I freakin' started because of Lent, so it's not that strange.

I'll be using this blog as a kind of weekly, maybe semi-daily journal to record my progress, my feelings, and other such reality-TV esque variables. So, come and watch me give up that last bastion of dietary normalcy! It'll be a fun ride!

Sad Day...


Goodbye... it's been fun...


Here! Fun link!

You know, just in case you need a reason to go veg. :D

Fearful Women

Arms and the girl I sing - O rare
arms that are braceleted and white and bare

arms that were lovely Helen's, in whose name
Greek slaughtered Trojan. Helen was to blame.

Scape-nanny call her; wars for turf
and profit don't sound glamorous enough.

Mythologize your women! None escape.
Europe was named from an act of bestial rape:

Eponymous girl on bull-back, he intent
on scattering sperm across a continent.

Old Zeus refused to take the rap.
It's not his name in big print on the map.

But let's go back to the beginning
when sinners didn't know that they were sinning.

He, one rib short: she lived to rue it
when Adam said to God, "She made me do it."

Eve learned that learning was a dangerous thing
for her: no end of trouble would it bring.

An educated woman is a danger.
Lock up your mate! Keep a submissive stranger

like Darby's Joan, content with church and Kinder,
not like that sainted Joan, burnt to a cinder.

Whether we wield a scepter or a mop
It's clear you fear that we may get on top.

And if we do -I say it without animus-
It's not from you we learned to be magnanimous.

-Carolyn Kizer

February in Sydney

Dexter Gordon’s tenor sax
Plays “April in Paris”
Inside my head all the way back
On the bus from Double Bay.
Round Midnight, the 50s.
Cool cobblestone streets
Resound footsteps of Bebop
Musicians with whiskey-laced voices
From a boundless dream in French.
Bud, Prez, Webster and The Hawk,
Their names run together riffs.
Painful gods jive talk through
Bloodstained reds and shiny brass
Where music is an anesthetic.
Unreadable faces from the human void
Float like torn pages across the bus
Windows. An old anger drips into my throat,
& I try thinking something good,
Letting the precious bad
Settle to the salty bottom.
Another scene keeps repeating itself;
I emerge from the dark theatre,
Passing a woman who grabs her red purse
& hugs it to her like a heart attack.
Tremolo. Dexter comes back to rest
Behind my eyelids. A lonliness
Lingers like a silver needle
Under my black skin,
As I try to feel how it is
To scream for help through a horn.

-Dexter Gordon

A plethora of poetry!

Since I forgot to post the past few days, you all get four poems today! Neat huh?

My Husband Is a Sniper

And the fat kid likes cake.
We live in the sewer stewing over
melted flesh and our right
to pursue death.

My husband is a sniper
and he waits in the trees
for me to come home
before he fires.

Something went wrong in the desert
and he doesn’t know
whether he pulled the trigger
or not.

And all the men
slip into their corners
to be alive in nightmares
and not remember.

Pike felt blood on his hands
in the right light.
-Amy Solomon-Minarchi


My Sister, Who Died Young, Takes Up The Task

A basket of apples brown in our kitchen,
their warm scent is the scent of ripening,

and my sister, entering the room quietly,
takes a seat at the table, takes up the task

of peeling slowly away the blemished skins,
even half-rotten ones are salvaged carefully.

She makes sure to carve out the mealy flesh.
For this, I am grateful. I explain, this elegy

would love to save everything. She smiles at me,
and before long, the empty bowl she uses fills,

domed with thin slices she brushes into
the mouth of a steaming pot on the stove.

What can I do? I ask finally. Nothing,
she says, let me finish this one thing alone.
-Jon Pineda

Same Old

The same old story is different with each
re-telling. What did mother say? One
of the sisters asserts her truth to the other's
incredulity--someone has to be right.
Was the forest dark or light? Chiaroscuro
doesn't count. It's not logic but will,
the will to win. The trail in Mohican Park
leads to Lyons' Cave, deep and murky
with its rocky brow above the spring
you can drink from, or could. And the dark rot
of leaves under the oaks sprouts morels
you can fry, spongy smoke on the tongue.

You can't make people get along.
Are the sisters speaking? One sulks
outside. The other begins again,
the audience all her own. Branches
break their fall, and the few grasses
are shriveled. Why enter the forest at all?
The arrowheads have been harvested,
and all the bones filed into needles.
-Mary Crow; Colorado Poet Laureate


What It Was Like Those Days

Since, as a child, I was happy
as a child, I thought every one
was happy, including the grimy man
who lived at the city dump in a shack
decorated with hubcaps, broken chairs
by the door cheerfully facing out to a waste,
those days, of rubble smoking and oily dirt,
although it was a strange kind of happiness
I knew I wouldn’t ever know.
Even the dead, I thought then,
grinning as I biked around town,
were happy in their own way.
That’s what it was like.
-Robert King
(by permission Northwest Review)

Believing in Iron

The hills my brothers & I created Never balanced, & it took years To discover how the world worked. We could look at a tree of blackbirds & tell you how many were there, But with the scrap dealer Our math was always off. Weeks of lifting & grunting Never added up to much, But we couldn't stop Believing in iron. Abandoned trucks & cars Were held to the ground By thick, nostalgic fingers of vines Strong as a dozen sharecroppers. We'd return with our wheelbarrow Groaning under a new load, Yet tiger lilies lived better In their languid, August domain. Among paper & Coke bottles Foundry smoke erased sunsets, & we couldn't believe iron Left men bent so close to the earth As if the ore under their breath Weighed down the gray sky. Sometimes I dreamt how our hills Washed into a sea of metal, How it all became an anchor For a warship or bomber Out over trees with blooms Too red to look at. -Yusef Komunyakaa

National Poetry Month

Happy National Poetry month everyone! Woot! In honor of this month, I will be posting a new poem everyday throughout April. It will either be a poem of my own, or a poem by someone else. So, without further adieu, here's a poem!

Ode to a Coffee Bean
by Daniel J. Adkins

The smells of sunrise fly into my head
The black, earthy smell of liquid joy
Rouse me from the sleep of engulfing beds
That first sip is as to a child on Christmas,
Getting her favorite toy.
The dark, smooth coating given to the mug
Opens a portal into the secret word
Where one bean from a stately tree hung,
Picked, looked at with a careful eye, in fingers twirled
Chosen to be my morning comfort
From halfway across the globe.
Now you sit, among compatriots ground, covered
With scalding liquid to extract your essence
For me to ingest, to share, to connect as lover
To see the conjoined life we lead, you needing me
To unlock your potential, me needing you to unlock my mind.

An Anniversary Means... PARTAY!

"If we don't stop extending our troops all around the world in nation-building missions, then we're going to have a serious problem." — George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

Some of my favorite things we engage in as a culture are anniversaries. From birthdays to weddings there's always some reason to celebrate and in the spirit of that cultural norm, I'd like to propose we have a celebration, no wait, a PARTY to commemorate the Anniversary of the invasion and subsequent victory of "Operation Freedom" roughly five years ago. Can you believe it? It's been five years since major fighting was declared over. Georgie boy was right, wasn't he? Man, those history books will check this one in the "win" column. I mean, even W can acknowledge this; "There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world." --George W. Bush, addressing U.S. troops at Camp Arifjan in Kuwait, Jan. 12, 2008

Can you believe it? Victory for the good of the World! What a time we live in! I'll toast my four dollars of gas a gallon to that! Well, any great achievement such as that deserves some thanks so I'd like to take the majority of this blog to thank Commander in Chief Bush for all that he has accomplished over the past five years.

George W. Bush, here's to you!

Thank you so much for your foresight. I mean, who knew that we would be able to so effectively defeat our enemies. In a month's time we destroyed their whole social structure. We bombed schools, hospitals, mosques, homes, businesses, and an underground base here and there. They were there right? Housing those WMD's? Man, I sure would have liked to have seen those. I mean, Saadam could have used them against us, right? Oh and I'm so glad that there were no people in any of the buildings we bombed either. They must have been vacant because we would never bomb something if we knew there were civilians still in it. We want to avoid as much collateral damage as possible. So, once again thank you George for knowing that massive bombing is the wave of the future in warfare and we can win and end wars with it in enough time to come home for The Bachelor.

Thank you too for protecting Iraq's main source of income, oil. Without that, their country would be completely decimated, but now they can live full, Western lives knowing that we all need their oil. I mean, you're a good old boy who understands supply and demand and of course you want to promote capitalism as the best economic system. So of course the Iraqi people will get to sell us their oil at a fair price, one where they can make a profit and we can continue to drive our Toyota Highlands and Humvees without paying nearly half our paychecks to do it. Man, what a visionary! I do however, find that you seem a tad oblivious to current gas prices; "Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 28, 2008. It's ok though, you have a lot on your plate. One little mistake is perfectly ok, because you certainly haven't made any other ones in these past five years.

On the issue of economics, I want to say a big thank you. War is so beneficial to the economy, World War II proved that, so of course it's true. I'm so glad that the Economic advisor who projected that Operation Freedom would cost 200 billion dollars was booted out in 2002. What a drag to hear that! I'm so happy it hasn't cost that much. I mean, 1.3 trillion is quite a bit more, but it's alright because we have plenty of jobs here in the States to stoke the flames of prosperity! A little outsourcing doesn't hurt either. It's not like we're in a recession or have a nine trillion dollar national debt, is it?

Mostly, I want to thank you for re-invigorating the military. We had a serious glut of people in the Armed forces. We definitely needed more people to defend our borders, especially after 9/11. Big deal if they are distracted and stretched a little thin by a simple Operation. If we need more, we can get a draft going. Volunteer armies are so overrated. I mean, the only way I could see that happening is if North Korea or some country like that decided to get some nukes built, test them and pose a threat to us. But that won't happen. No way, they're way the fuck on the other side of the world. I feel perfectly safe under your guidance Mr. Bush. Hopefully McCain will get to fill your auspicious shoes. I want to make sure myself and my children feel safe for, oh, at least one hundred years.

In the spirit of the event I'd like to let you all see some pictures that will tell you the real story that's going on in Iraq, not this crap that's being forced down our throats by the media.

*Note* I am hyperlinking these images. Many of them a very graphic and I want to give people the choice to view them or not. I do not believe in shoving my rhetoric down others throats. I encourage you to look, but remember I warned you. The guest password for the album is "iraqw."

Pictures

It's that time again!

Tomorrow, the twenty-second of September, I turn twenty-three. I can only say one thing about it... I feel old! I know, I know I'm far from being old. I am only twenty-three for god's sake. Still, with the recent happenings of my life I am beginning to feel less like a carefree "kid" and more like an adult. I suppose this is what psychologists call "emerging adulthood" (that period in your life where you 18-25 or so). I'll fill you all in on why I am feeling the sudden impact of "age;"

1. Bills
Yes, I now have bills. I have my cell phone bill, my rent, my food, my support money for a child (not my own, but I got you there huh?) and such. So, it doesn't sound like a lot (and in reality it isn't) but budgeting is a new thing for me. Ah yes, I am behind on a vast majority of people in the bill paying world and I have no right or reason to complain. Still, it makes me feel bad every time I spend money on something that I don't "need."

2. Car
So to add to my financial matters, I have been seriously looking into getting a car. I have a fairly limited amount I can spend relegating me to buying P.O.S. model cars. In fact, I am going to check out a potential this evening. We will see if it's as good as it seems. I'm feeling a little nervous about it, not a good sign. Anyway, car will be money, insurance will be money and by default I will be eating a lot of bread and water.

3. Job
I've had lots of jobs before, many more stressful and more of a permanent potential thing. Still, working and being in school is a bit of a juggle. The only complaint I have about working in a library is that the work can be (ok, is) monotonous, very quiet and can lead to boredom. It is quiet, easy, and low stress, which I can take some boredom for that. Also, specific complaint about my current job is working Sunday afternoons. Yep, no football, only Saturday off and if you've never been in a University library on a Sunday afternoon... well go and imagine working there. Still though, the money will be nice and responsibility isn't bad.

4. Graduation
Yes, I am getting close, whether it be a year from now, or a year and half I am getting close to being done. With my sights so far on getting certified to teach high school (and hopefully getting to do so in an inner city) I find my self thinking less about the dreams of my younger days (you know, touring the country, playing in a band, being 18 forever...) and thinking more about having a career, having a family (some day, I'm not in a rush to have kids, but someday), a house, where I want to live... all that stuff. It's crazy to me to think about how I am closer now to finishing college than I am to not. I mean, scary thought! Maybe I'll just stay in college for the rest of my life... naw. I'd go nuts if I did that. I don't want to be that 35 year old guy living in a student apartment with a bunch of 20-something guys. No thanks.

With all this said, I don't want to give the impression that it depresses me. On the contrary, I'm excited about it! It is different though.

Oh, quick note... I'm no longer in Marriage of Convenience. This time it's for good. We have parted ways and well, it is what it is. They will continue to play as Marriage of Convenience and I will not be a part of it. There ya go.

So, I think I've rambled enough. I must be going as I am off to check out a car. Peace and love to you all.

Reflections

Today is the third day I have been back from my summer away from Colorado. When I think back upon it, I can't help but be struck by everywhere I went in three months. San Francisco, Seattle, St. Louis... It really is funny to me that I just picked up, left everything here and went off and did that. It wasn't easy.

The first part of the summer I was racked with a sense of fun at being in San Francisco and Seattle but I missed home. I missed Megan, I missed my band, I missed my family... I was without a doubt homesick. There was something else burning inside me. It was the culmination of years and years of cynicism, brought on most succulently by feelings of disappointment in my local church body. Feelings of fakeness and feelings of wanting to leave Christianity and religion behind. Yet, I was getting ready to spend my summer in St. Louis "serving God." Strange place to be, huh? The last week of May I traveled to Minneapolis to do training for my summer working for YouthWorks! The week was exhausting, intense and ended with me taking a full day off to do nothing but pray, think and come to the realization that I really didn't believe in the power of Christ or God anymore. Sure they were far off spiritual entities, but as for being moving, salient, real being that impacted my life... it wasn't there. I was finally honest with myself... I didn't give a shit. Yet, something still lingered, triggered by a friend who said what I needed to hear, even if I fought it with everything in my being. I was given the choice to stay and continue to St. Louis or at my own expense, leave Minneapolis and head back to Colorado. Those of you who know me, know that I continued to St. Louis.

Those first weeks were a blur of 50-75 people coming in and out, me organizing them into work crews, contacting and setting up "ministry sites" at non-profits in north St. Louis, doing skits, giving a morning devotion and feeling like the biggest fake in the whole of the Earth. I remember one day in particular going outside, sitting down while the youth did their devotions and thinking to myself, as I stared blankly... "I can't do this if I'm going to feel like this." It was going to be a long, hard, lonely summer...

Then I noticed something. I noticed that people's lives were being changed. At first, it was nothing more than being excited that two of the youth got the reason we partnered with a site (after I spent a good 15 minutes telling them why, never feeling like it got through). Then they got it. They understood. We were there to help and be the hands and feet to this organization. God began to move in me again, even if I didn't notice. I saw this same reaction from here on out, continued to get worn out, continued to tell all the participants, "no matter how small and insignificant the work, you are doing a great thing. You are loving these people, serving them and loving and serving Christ." As unreal and phony I felt saying these words the first few weeks, I was completely modeling them. I was giving 110% of myself to the participants every week and I didn't know why outside of, "it's my job."

In a fit of cynicism I connected with the words from a song, "God save us from your chosen ones." I felt as if my belief had brought me nothing but pain, inner torment, and confusion. I felt it was fake. So the words of this song spoke to me until the end of the song when the lyrics changed, "You'll be the reason the hopeless celebrate/He takes us from our violent shame." This is what I was seeing, everyday. People coming from all over the country to serve a community destroyed by poverty and darkness. I saw children run up to strangers and hug them for nothing else then the fact that they were to play with them; there to love them. I heard about an 8 year old boy who talked to a girl about his brother being shot and killed the night before, I saw the joy that was etched on a woman who couldn't remember my name when we brought her food and talked and prayed with her. A child ran up to her mom, excited about something she got from one of us, mom answering, "I'm sure they only gave that to you because they feel sorry for you." These children, these people, beaten down by society, beaten down by darkness, painting signs over the interstate saying "End Eminent Domain Abuse," these people who might have never, ever felt unconditional love... and I saw that love expressed. Every week, people were changed. The youth, the adults, the people of St. Louis... myself. It wasn't about me anymore. I wasn't about me and my homesickness, about me and my cynicism, about me and my ideas... it was about the youth, the community of St. Louis, about changing lives, about love, and most importantly... about Christ. Suddenly, the words I spoke in my devotion to the youth every Wed. morning didn't feel so fake. They didn't feel so phony. They were real.

And this is where I rested in the rest of the summer. I have only begun the process of... processing. :P I feel as if, like my staff member Shan said, I feel that my summer in St. Louis is a starting point. To where I am going I am not sure, but I am excited and nervous about it. One thing is sure though, as awesome as the summer was, I am very glad to be home. I will see those of you I haven't seen yet soon.

Summer in the city

I shuffle my feet through the empty halls of a decayed institution of learning. I check the lights and see that I am alone in cold rooms that echo my every word. Every night I hit the floor and fall into sleep as if I were a dead man, only to rise at the coming of the sun to do it all over again...

So, I am now getting ready to begin week five of Youthworks St. Louis. For those of you who don't keep up with what I do, I have been in St. Louis for the past six weeks doing what is known as the Youthworks summer. My job here is simple; to facilitate week long missions trips for high school church groups in St. Louis. We are going into our fifth week of having youth here and I am, as to be expected, exhausted. My days run from about 6 in the morning to 11:30 at night and I'm usually up later than that. My specific job at the site here in STL is known as Urban Staff. This means that I coordinate the volunteer and service work that the high schoolers do for various non-profits in Downtown and north St. Louis. Most of my day is spent going between sites, making sure things are running smoothly and keeping up a good relationship with the non-profits. I also divide up the youth into "crews" every week, splitting up the groups so that they all go somewhere and that they all have different and unique experiences. I actually don't mind most of this and there is a bit of fun in dividing up 70 people every week (gives me a bit of power trip, until I get frustrated when all the churches bring 7 passenger mini-vans).

I have gone through quite the emotional rollercoaster this summer in just being here. From having strong feelings of not wanting to do it at the beginning (to almost quitting) to being lonely and missing home, to where I am now. Still homesick, still wanting to get back to the things I love back at home but at the same time realizing the important work that is being done here. Even though these are mission trips, the main focus of Youthworks is not so much to go a spread the gospel with tracts and hellfire, but to go into communities and make a visible and physical difference in people's lives all for the sake of spreading to message of God's love. Honestly, as cynical of a person I am towards American Christianity, I can't say anything against Youthworks. The organization is doing something to help people and make lives better and that is incredibly commendable. It is my hope and prayer that in the end, my work here will have brought some light into a dark place and that the eight weeks we had youth here will impact St. Louis for the better. So far, it has and I see no reason while it won't continue. From the kids who live in a part of the city that has to have a police officer on site at a park during the day, to the elderly folks who can't clean their basement because of illness and age, to the homeless men who can't get a meal, the youth have been a part of spreading some love to all these people and I have seen and heard stories about how already there is a change in people's lives. Here's a story for you all; there is a park we work at called Dwight Davis. This is the park where we find the police officer there during the day so we will feel protected. A young child came up to one of the youth and said, "Did you hear about the guy who got shot last night." The youth replied, "yea." Then the child said, "That was my brother." There was a pause and then the kid said, "can I just talk to you for a bit. I have some stuff I need to work through." A child under the age of ten shouldn't have to deal with that and it puts a smile on my face when I see how happy and joyful the kids are to have our youth there to just play with and love them.

So, now that I have the tear jerker story out of the way, here are two of the cray things that have happened to me this summer. First week, I broke my pinkie playing basketball with a group from Ohio. I have the splint off now and I hope that it healed alright. Secondly, this past Wednesday I got into a car accident. I was driving out with a group to their "ministry site" for the day and I didn't realize that the bus in front of me had stopped. Well it did and I looked away form the road for a split second and BAM! smashed right into the back of it. Don't worry I am ok, but Wendy (our 98 Ford Windstar mini-van) is no more. The front of the mini-van became a slinky and no it will cost way too much to fix (which means at some point, we get a new mini-van). There have been some other crazy things happen, but I don't want to tell all my stories at once.

It has been a whirlwind summer and I will be ready to return home when it is time. For now, despite the bad weeks and exhaustion and frustration, I am enjoying it. It all makes sense when that one youth finally gets the idea and message across that we are trying to get to them. I haven't had a ton of them, but the few I have make it all worthwhile.

California isn't all warm

I have been in the Bay area of California for the past couple of days and I must say that I am enjoying myself. Leaving Colorado on Friday was difficult, but I got excited as soon as I saw the bay and the Golden Gate bridge. I must preface this blog before I continue; I love my family very much. Now, on with the blog.

Saturday was my cousin Paul's wedding and he got married to someone who seems like a great fit and decent person. I don't know her, but from what the rest of my cousins have said, she's good. So I will believe them. It's been good to see family I haven't seen in probably 15 years. Yes, some of my cousins I haven't seen since they were little. I kind of wish that I would have been able to grow up with them as every time I'm around them, we always get along. There is something about being family that just gives you an instant connection. I like it. My "normal" family on the other hand... well I love them. Suffice it to say, I think this will be my last family vacation for a bit. There comes a point where you really just want to develop your own life. Not break ties, but I want to go travel and be off on my own. Or with my girlfriend. Both sound equally appealing (with the latter shining a little brighter). Anyway, I've come to realize that the idea of sunny warm California only applies to Southern California. Northern California is windy, cool (still sunny) and very beautiful. There are times where I get a good view of the surroundings and I think to pictures of the Mediterranean Sea. I am finding myself falling in severe like with the topography.

My thoughts still fall though with the rest of the summer. I am gone from my home at this point until August 14th and as hard as I try I can not get excited about it. Perhaps when it all happens and I am there, my attitude will change. I hope so, I really do. It's going to be an experience that's for sure. My thoughts haven't changed since my last blog so read below if you want.

This time between 9 and 11 is my only personal time. I need this private time. If for nothing else to de-compress. To spend it how I will. To call up that cute girl living three states away, to think, to walk. To listen to silent (or in this case not so silent) wind. Yes, I quote King's X often. I will now bid adieu as I go to sit outside, look at the black sky, and feel the salt breeze kiss my sense of smell.

Summer

Last week was, rightly so, a week from hell. Little sleep, playing severe catch up (I wrote somewhere around 25-30 pages in a weeks time) and then... preparing to head to St. Louis for the summer. I got a call on Monday morning from an organization called Youthworks. If you want more information (as I don't feel like typing it all out here), go to www.youtworks.com. A phone interview was set up for Tues. morning and as long as it was it went well. So well in fact, they offered me a job on Thursday as a part of their Urban Site staff in St. Louis, MO. I took the position and now, with traveling to San Francisco at the end of this week and then Seattle six days later and after that Minneapolis to train and then finally St. Louis, means that I am gone from Colorado for the entire summer. It's a strange thing to think about being gone for the whole summer. I find myself not as excited about it as I should be. In fact, I'm pretty down about it. While the position with Youthworks will provide me with a job, a chance to serve and help people, and a chance to travel (all things I want to do) I can't quite wrap my head around the idea that I am leaving many things I love for a solid three months. I'm leaving my band, my kitten, a chance to see friends that I only get to see once or twice a year and most importantly, I'm leaving my girlfriend. Some of you may be saying, "Ah, poor you," in as sarcastic of a tone as you can muster and you'd be justified in that. I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime and chances are I may not get this kind of opportunity for awhile. Still, I had come in recent weeks to enjoy my place in life again. I was a little stressed and down for a bit (mostly because of school and the band not going anywhere) but I pulled myself out of it, school is done and the band is going places again (as we are opening for Drowning Pool on Wed. night). While these things were certainly external factors, there was something internal that I could quite get as to why I was in my feeling low state. Still can't, but it was passing and I know a good deal of that was conscious. I was getting excited to look for a job, work, hang out in Greeley (I've spent the past three years traveling from Greeley to Colorado Springs every summer and I was looking forward to staying put for once), and now I have to get myself jazzed up to work with high school and middle school kids. It will be good, I'm sure, but it is strange to me to see how I've changed. A year ago, I would have killed to be in this position. To be going on an adventure and seeing new people and places... it would have been my dream. Perhaps I need to reconnect with that part of me in order to get in the right mindset.

Stability. I find that even when I think I've found stability in something, it isn't there. I'm not going to air any dirty laundry there as the company involved still doesn't know how I feel (and to speak it via blog is heartless disrespectful). I will say this; a year ago I thought I had found my ideal. Now a year later, it comes up painfully short. For those of you wondering, no this is not about my girlfriend. She's still everything awesome that I thought she was when we started dating. Just to clear that up. I guess my life is going to have an air of instability to it for a bit longer. Perhaps this is good. I will be far outside my comfort zone in St. Louis and perhaps it will motivate me to draw closer to God. That is my hope and prayer. I am coming from something of a cynical mindset and while I've never thought that a certain amount of cynicism is bad, it can get stifling. The unknown is where I am headed until August 14th. It is in the unknown and unfamiliar that I am being thrust and for what reason I am not yet sure.